Maybe I'll change the central monologue to success stories?
Definitely on the right track.
A couple of other suggestions.
* Emphasise benefits to the customer, especially compared to others. Maybe the 'no fix no fee' bubble should be in the middle. Maybe a mention that this is exclusive or 'unlike other repairers' to make it a point of difference. Another point of difference (if you offer it) is 'no minimum fee'. Or if you don't, something like a $20 minimum fee (or more) might remove uncertainty.
* Definitely need reassurance / testimonials etc to demonstrate that though you're young you can do stuff. And to convey that impression define the boundaries of your service - eg list what you don't fix. This indicates modesty and builds trust. And do you guarantee your work? If so say it.
* Go for the green angle. Do you offer a disposal or recycling service for things that you assess as not economical to repair? And there are some people who would prefer to have something repaired even though it's dearer than buying new because (a) it's a product they've used and liked for years or (b) repair is less wasteful/better for the environment. This can (sometimes) be an affluent part of the population.
* Seniors. Many seniors are quite well off but may have come from thrifty backgrounds (maybe that's what made them rich?). They can afford or prefer repair to buying new.
* Ride the retro wave. Valve radios have gone from landfill to prized antique in 40 years. What will be next? Component stereo? Or maybe 1980s ghetto blasters or cassette players. Maybe get some cheap ones, repair them and see if you can sell them. Novelty cafes based on a certain theme might want them and be willing to pay.
* Are your operating hours convenient to those with jobs? Another point of difference if the competition is closed when most people have leisure.
* "Hello what is your name?'. Definitely drop this. Put the personal stuff on a less prominent 'about us' section.
* 'Help me out?' (bottom right). Sounds like you're begging or a charity. Why should I? Instead change it to something like 'Liked our service? Please tell others about us by sharing on Facebook'? Or 'Our prices are low as we don't spend on marketing - please help keep it that way by liking us on Facebook'. Can you give people who liked you a 5% discount on the next repair?
* 99% of people have no clue about electronics repair, so it's stuff like service, convenience, value etc that you can promote that will sway their decision. McDonalds didn't get big by making the best burger.
* Can you get support of a local business association that promotes local produce? Or maybe a local fair or farmers market? Can you have a 'repaired in <yourtown>' logo on your ads?
* Are there outreach programs - eg electronics construction sessions you could do with your old school - to boost your profile?
* Is there the possibility of value-added services - eg knowing about all the free apps (and loading them) that might appeal to people with smartphones (if that's what you repair)?
The logical result of doing all the above is burning yourself out and busting your gut for next to nothing. So you may need to think about what pays and is worthwhile. Trying to please everyone may not be - there may be some jobs you reject.