You could use a manual switch or jumpers to choose between programing and operating mode.
I have plenty of dip switches, however I would need to lock all or nothing, not a combination of it. I looked for switches that would allow for two state (center pin, and two selectors) that would have 3x3 pins, and found very few and those that exist are HUGE and absolutely not in the price-range I'm willing to go to. I'm pretty sure I'll forget to set the dip-switches - so something that automatically switches over will be needed or my brain-farts will screw it up eventually
Or use DIP package and socket it for easy external programming.
That's pretty much what I do today. And I may just stick to it.
You don't need to power the MCU from the programmer. Even if its in-circuit VCC is different than the programmer's VCC, oftentimes some simple circuit can be cobbled together to connect them without issues.
Sorry, I don't understand this. Depending on the fuses set on the ATTINY I may need 12V on the RST pin. 12 volts will KILL everything else in that circuit.
ATtiny212/412 use only the reset pin for programming but has different programming interface and peripherals than the classic parts.
Correct - although you could put a small switch in to manually trigger the reset - for now I just keep it high. That means it's connected to the 3.3/5v (not sure which one it will be right now) would be hit by 12V if it got connected. I'm pretty sure that would end badly.