Well. What a journey. Finally, I've managed to fix this and implement all of indman's recommended modifications. I went from not even knowing what flux was and not owning a DMM to replacing SMD components and hand-soldering wire onto IC pins!
Granted, I've almost destroyed the plastic housing through many errors with the hot soldering iron and the hot air gun and the third port is barely usable, but it works!!! And I have 1.39m!!
It turns out the problem was with the eBay special USBAsp. I learnt how to use an Arduino as an ISP programmer with some online tutorials and hooked it up and it worked straight away.
Thanks to all who have contributed, esp indman and madires. Hopefully one day I can give something back to the project.
