At this point, I think I have given up on this. I've probed nearly all resistors near the 3 IC's, no shorts, capacitors test normal, no obvious faults, voltages are present, and all the transistors appear to be working (no shorts, test fine in diode mode).
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And just when I was about to give up, I decided, for the hell of it, to remove CM801 and CM802, and you know what the problem was? CM801. Nobody had that on their bingo card.
Pulled CM801 out of circuit, it wasn't detected by my LCR meter. What oddly lead me to finally pull these two caps was that when measuring around F9222L, sometimes my multimeter would shut off from that brief 500v + spike, as well as that CM802 was at 50v on the good board but like 380v on the faulty PSU.
However the mystery isn't over yet. While I now have 5.4v on the output, my 24v rail is going from 16-9v, likely because I had broke a sot-23 QM801 while trying to test it.
Now I need to find a replacement for CM801 (model "Pilkor WK0727") and QM801 (model sot-23 "ZH2H").
After many days, I may actually fix this board.