by actuator do you mean the valve ?
Valve is the bit that regulates the water, actuator is the motor that drives the valve. In most cases they are separable, your may be a fixed assembly.
no not my choice, it is something we already use in other stuff with a controller but now they want a stand alone one.
I'd assumed that, in this application you would usually select a spring return actuator that works much like a servo. PWM or control voltage from the pot and your done.
I could do a burst of manual PWM or just a single pulse after which I recheck the positions rather than wait for the whole program to re-run the loop or I just send one short pulse and then go back and recheck positions
That is going to be your best strategy, you need to just inch the valve, so your pulses will need to be short. Even with this you will be battling some hysteresis. You are never likely to get fine control, but you should be able to achieve a reasonable degree of positioning.
The guy running the overall project is a bit of an old fashioned type. Relays were high tech to him, infact our last air con system for our last military design used a bloody panel full of relays.
Don't totally dismiss that approach, in harsh environments KISS principle is best. It's take 30 years to get real reliability into automotive electronics.
His request is infact a bit odd, unless he really just wants crude heat power control, I mean as the engine warms less valve opening will be required, you'd think that having put electronic control in there you'd take the person out of the control loop and let them set the temperature they want and let the system do the thinking instead of having a person keep altering the control as it gets hotter as the engine warms up
Not that odd, what you are proposing is "climate control" there is a hell of a lot of vehicle operating without any form of closed loop heating control and rather than the electronics a simple bowden cable positions the valve.