General > General Technical Chat
ADVICE REQUEST - will my passion for electronics disappear?
hans:
I think every age group can have a crisis. I'm now in my 30s, hovering between various mental health states, and I'm basically contemplating the very same things as you have enumerated.. but with a different set of initial conditions.
I was also always tinkering, always busy. I poured a lot of time in studies, and still am doing so with a PhD. Intellectually and work ethic is there to get it done. But the motivation has sunk lately.. partially because COVID, but also the realization that there is more to life than math, solder and code, but due to a range of reasons (or excuses) I'm not able to pick up new things to make that change.
So a year ago I've pulled the plug, got on sick leave from my university, and went into full time therapy. To colleagues I tell I got a burnout. It's kinda like that.. but not a burnout from my work, it's more used as a (bad) coping style. It's really not hard for me to drop every therapy session and pour all my time into work again.
That work thing can be kind of similar to a gaming, food or alcohol addiction. Both rely focus/defocus mechanisms as coping, instead of the horrifyingly in-between: a place of worry, anxiety, rumination, depression and sorts. Oh and there is probably some dopamine and other brain chemicals thrown in there as well..
IME the interest for a hobby will grow back. I've had periods, especially during studies or therapy, where I didn't touch much code or solder iron for months. My last streak was almost a year. Sometimes I was just more into 3D printing instead. A little while ago I've moved to a new place, which has sparked new interest in home automation..
If you haven't already.. if you have any worry about certain patterns or mental states.. go visit a therapist. In my experience it can take a bit effort of adjusting to, or finding the right one, but the conversations and depth to have with a therapist have gone far beyond what I've been able to do with friends or family.
RJSV:
You folks are getting some good coverage, of particular points...but maybe (we) could use more women, for the different attitudes they can bring to discuss.
On the purely exercise front, I've shown a couple times on blog here, is the 'Yoga' / mat stretches, I've developed / adapted. While, sure, I've kept in mind, the improvements in conditioning can improve dating confidence, I've also found great source for 'stimulating' imagination and creativity, in my field, which many of us (programmers) find in short supply.
Doing the YOGA (loosely, informal) brings up many new (technical) subjects. I even tried writing a couple trial books, the creative 'juice' got so insistent!
...Enclosed photo illustrates 'Half Lotus', featuring legs non-folded, there. That alone is an accomplishment of at least 3, 4 years (to get that flexible).
So that covers some aspect of mid-life option for change. You got to be careful, as 'others' near can sometimes bristle, at your new found 'weight loss', and many other personal improvement
But...especially with the YOGA, for some reason.
People feel 'slighted' some, when YOU get ahead...or trying to.
You see that with more simple 'weight loss' efforts start, subtle sabatoge can occur. Now, how to handle THAT dynamic...(Marriage and Family therapist specialist probably can help w the dieting jeolosies that come up.)
(Photo included)
- Rick
penfold:
--- Quote from: mcinque on March 22, 2022, 09:15:00 am ---[...]
--- Quote from: penfold on March 22, 2022, 08:59:53 am ---The human brain is very good at attributing those endorphin sources to specific things and making you believe that's what you want and making you feel depressed when you don't do those things or envious of others that do... but all it wants are those endorphins.
--- End quote ---
^THIS
I've repeatedly thought about this: you're right. What I'm looking for is is that euphoric feeling when I get a date with a young woman. Something I used to try with new electronic projects or computer things. Something that now I lost and probably I'm seeking in other things.
--- End quote ---
Let's face it, electronics is quite an internal satisfaction, those small victories in debugging an EMC-problem or fixing a line of code don't generate much enthusiasm from others and more than likely just a "well its about time" response from managers. From the more technical side, maybe it's worth letting your electronics hobby side diverge from professional life a bit if it's all getting a bit mundane and safe... try RF or metrology... I suppose it's hardly a night of passion but moderately safer than sky-diving. Cycling is good also, strong community spirit, exercise, endorphins, good opportunities to travel and see the world for new routes if you don't ordinarily justify many holidays or breaks for yourself. Just spitballing suggestions, everyone's different.
cdev:
The word "poly" today means polyfidelity, or permanent pair bond relationships with more than one person.
Maybe thats for you. Or maybe not, in any case, some people manage to do that and keep their first relationship well, others don't.
A number of years ago a book came out for women who liked to maintain the freedom to date many entitled "The Ethical Slut". It was very successful and it seems to have sold well and now its gone into three editions, and spawned a discussion and movement of sorts. The word "slut" in this context isnt pejorative, its meant in a positive sense as somebody who stays true to their values but still expresses themselves sexually in any way that works for them. Read one discussion here.. The same issues apply to all genders. As somebody who was in an open relationship for many years during my 20s the crucial issue in retrospect was time management. At various times my SO and I had various agreements that worked for us at the time. One that it seems is popular with many is that sex with other people might occur while traveling or on vacation, but not at home. The idea is to do it with love.. At the time my SO was from a fairly well to do family that had her traveling a lot more than me. This wasn't as promiscuous as it sounds, as I am fairly nerdy and not at all the kind of person who others see as "hot" and never have been. (But I do like sex) Anyway, what I am trying to get at is that the only people you need to please are yourself and the people you choose to associate with. But you do have to be real and not sell yourself short. You deserve a good life, too. Nothing spices up an existing relationship more than new found honesty.
If you are in a couple and your SO doesn't want sex then I don't think they have a right to demand abstinence from you! (if thats what they do) I think that attitudes about that are changing. What she probably does want is that you not embarrass her if you do see other people. Its essential however that you discuss this and have rules and obey them. Otherwise it could get ugly and you will have nobody to blame but yourself.
I am not one of those people who live on the edge, at least not right now, but I appreciate them and the fact that they exist.
If you're going to go down that path the most important thing is being true to yourself, your friends and your values..
The one thing I envy them for is the communication skills they develop. They get right to the point in a way I struggle with. As far as sex goes a key issue the world is struggling with is consent for sex. I was lucky in that when I was fairly young I got away from the place I grew up where guys were constrained into a fairly macho role into a world where that was much less the case. And I connected up with a girlfriend who was very much ahead of her time in terms of her own sexuality but she also had a strong libido. I now realize that this was a good background because lots of things that many other guys struggle with I am fairly comfortable with. Let me give an example, many years ago I had a friend, Marc, who was a brilliant programmer and ham and he was a pioneer in the Internet world, so much so that he invented a whole virtual reality OS for collaboration. But he was incredibly shy in his social skills and this brought him to committing suicide. He was so tortured by his inability to connect that he killed himself.
Maybe somebody here knew him, I wouldnt be surprised.
At the time I had several good female friends who I introduced him to and he dated one for a time. But they didnt connect and she, a very down to earth lady tried to explain it to me, but I didn't engage as I should have and most importantly, didnt recognize how my friend was sinking into despair.
I view this really as a failure in myself for not recognizing that he was in such a bad way and helping him more. He wasnt a bad guy, he was actually a very good friend. He was good looking, and in shape. He was a technical mentor to me, he wasn't violent or mean. He was just a geek. But his life was cut short by his loneliness which was just so sad.
There are a lot of people who go through stuff like this and its getting worse. He was actually the second of two close friends I have had that committed suicide. The first one, Jeff was when I was in my teens and early 20s. He was a neighbor and a very smart guy, although this was before personal computing was part of my life I was into electronics at the time. What happened with Jeff I later realized was schizophrenia.
Which is terrifying. I really don't want to tell the story but basically, I was his best and perhaps only close friend, I had gone away to a school which was far away, and was back for a short time. so we went on a trip into New York City (which is something we used to do all the time on the weekends) And unexpectedly, he just lost his mind. It was like something out of a movie. He was hallucinating!
His family I dont think could handle the fact that he was in this situation.
It was schizophrenia which often begins in puberty.
Where I grew up and at that time, there were few groups of people or friends for people who were smart but in a nontraditional way. There still arent really although the Internet has definitely improved this a lot. We all need to be more accepting of others in every way we can. Also, quality medical care needs to be cheaper! My friend was at that age when families often struggle with communication.
There is no rule book, we just have to be true to ourselves and our friends and families and even other species, animals and as Alex the parrot put it, in his last words to Irene Pepperberg, "be good".
Electronics is great because it grounds us.. so to speak, at least it does for me, its a thing I can do which I can get deeply into, working with my hands and the physical world and its fun. People who are into it have a shared language all over the world, and in a way we are all speaking a shared language.. pushing the envelope of technology brings us joy and it brings all humanity very real gifts by solving problems.
--- Quote from: mcinque on March 21, 2022, 07:28:40 am ---
--- Quote from: PaulAm on March 21, 2022, 02:01:22 am ---I did not flirt . That was a red line.
--- End quote ---
that's the problem. I feel the NEED to do it, a great need.
The excitement that flirting gives me is something I've never sought in my life (In fact, I often tried to avoid it), but now I seek it almost every moment.
It's terrible that before my mind could "calm down" by simply thinking about electronics (even just my workbench), whereas now I just think about teasing cute women.
Thinking about my electronic instruments and workbench (my passion since childhood) has always brought me back down to earth, given me something to really live for, and now that it's not working that way anymore, it's worrisome for me, especially since it's happened in such a short amount of time.
--- End quote ---
Kasper:
--- Quote from: mcinque on March 22, 2022, 09:15:00 am ---
--- Quote from: Kasper on March 22, 2022, 04:06:51 am ---make peace with the fact that you will never get everything you want.
--- End quote ---
I know that, unfortunately
--- End quote ---
Too bad putin can't figure that out. He could do things I can only dream of and yet he does not seem happy.
--- Quote from: mcinque on March 22, 2022, 09:15:00 am ---
--- Quote from: Kasper on March 22, 2022, 04:06:51 am ---Have you tried sports or video games? Sometimes the cravings for new women can be fullfilled by other types of excitment or new experiences.
--- End quote ---
videogames have been a big part of my 20's and 30's, especially online. they even made me temporarily lose some friends, so much so that I was dedicated. I tried to get back into them but the gaming community now is really toxic and overcompetitive, to the point that playing is no longer fun unless you have the attitude of a 7 year old kid. before we played on national servers, we knew almost everyone (we were always the same names, the online community before was not so great), we all spoke the same language and above all for the majority we respected each other: we played for fun above all. Now in any game you enter there are hordes of kids who shout into the microphone, use cheats of all kinds, go to humiliate those of lower level (trolling/smurfing) ... stuff that only kindergarteners do.
I recently started playing sports again on solo.
--- End quote ---
Gaming has changed, now you can make millions of dollars playing. You could play video games solo too or get into / run a clan that boots brats. In my clan I regularly kick people for bullying and we have a good group of adults all though it's a small group and most of us are rarely online but it's fun to catch up occasionally and meet people from around the world without having to travel. Either way it sounds like you've had your fill of electronics for the time being. My hobbies come and go and the longer I continue doing one despite my waning interest is the longer it takes before I'm interested in it again.
--- Quote from: mcinque on March 22, 2022, 09:15:00 am ---
--- Quote from: Kasper on March 22, 2022, 04:06:51 am ---Or maybe you'll end up single where having interesting and social hobbies and being in shape reduces the odds of a lonely and desperate end to your mid life crisis
--- End quote ---
Agree. Thanks for your kind and deep message!
--- End quote ---
This kind of reminds me of the movie American Beauty. Kevin Spacey gets fed up at work, starts working out and flirting with his daughter's friend. It's depressing but there are glimpses of people digging out of their ruts and improving their lives.
--- Quote from: mcinque on March 22, 2022, 09:15:00 am ---
--- Quote from: penfold on March 22, 2022, 08:59:53 am ---The human brain is very good at attributing those endorphin sources to specific things and making you believe that's what you want and making you feel depressed when you don't do those things or envious of others that do... but all it wants are those endorphins.
--- End quote ---
^THIS
I've repeatedly thought about this: you're right. What I'm looking for is is that euphoric feeling when I get a date with a young woman. Something I used to try with new electronic projects or computer things. Something that now I lost and probably I'm seeking in other things.
--- End quote ---
Approaching women gives me a similar feeling to approaching a cliff, jump or steep run snowboarding or a long straight-away or big hill dirtbiking. My addiction to that feeling has given me many injuries and I only regret some of them.
I spent most my spare time in my 20s chasing that feeling: snowboarding, dirtbiking, FPS video games and a bit of dating. My end of 20s crisis turned me into a workaholic, I wanted to buy a house near the fun terrain and a better dirtbike. I sold my dirtbike, went back to school and started hiking for a cheaper, healthier activity. Ended up with an amazing wife, a better job and an addiction to home renos. My life is not as exciting now but more full-filling and I am much happier. Looking at cabinets I built feels even better than memories of that cliff I jumped off. For excitement now, I run down hills, play FPS games on my phone or do home renos as fast as I can for as many hours a week as I can. It's not the same as action sports, I miss them and I think I'll finally get back to them soon! Now I'm getting into my end of 30s crisis and thinking about selling one of 2 houses, quiting my job, starting a business, getting back into dirtbiking and snowboarding and maybe trying to convince my wife to have kids. Actually been considering making a thread about this so I should say thank you for giving me an example of how that might go.
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