EEVblog Electronics Community Forum
General => General Technical Chat => Topic started by: jmdejoanelli on January 24, 2017, 09:13:19 pm
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Hi all,
I realise this might be an odd question for an electronics forum, but all the people who may be able to comment are likely here.
I am 29 years old, and have been married a year now, and have been working as an electronics/firmware engineer for the past 5 years after finishing uni. I have been doing electronics, tinkering and taking things apart since I was about 7 years old; electronics engineering is my strongest passion and I feel like it is so deeply ingrained in my being that it is not going to change, which isn't a problem for me, because I love it obviously.
My wife is a creative type, and I love her dearly, but she has absolutely no interest in my passions and sees them as a distraction from our marriage. I try to sell it to her in a way that says following these hobbies is a way for me to advance further in my career, and hence be in a better position to support my family when we have kids.
My question to you are these: Can any of you offer advice to a young engineer trying to juggle a marriage and a lifetime passion like electronics? How much time do you spend on your hobbies or in the workshop away from your wife every week?
Any other comments, anecdotes or testimony are welcome on the subject.
Thanks,
Josef
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Maybe setup a workspace for her in your lab so you can work on your projects and be together.
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Maybe setup a workspace for her in your lab so you can work on your projects and be together.
^^^^^^^^^^
Worst idea...EVER....
:popcorn:
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Stay up later than she does. :-//
That's how I get anything done if she's not working and it's not a rare "me day".
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My wife is a creative type
and you have problems? you spend all your time creating things with your mind too! you're not a bean counter or whatever.. you are
developing ideas and concepts into products, bringing them into reality. you should be absolutely in sync!
Assuming you intend creative type as artist/architect/whatever
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My wife is a creative type, and I love her dearly, but she has absolutely no interest in my passions and sees them as a distraction from our marriage. I try to sell it to her in a way that says following these hobbies is a way for me to advance further in my career, and hence be in a better position to support my family when we have kids.
Your wife doesn't need to be interested in your hobby to appreciate that you enjoy it. Doesn't she have any hobbies? Yoga? Gardening? Painting? Kick-boxing? Just explain that this is your hobby and you need it to stay sane.
I work on my stuff when my wife is not at home, asleep, or whenever she's doing her own thing. Sometimes that means I'm in the lab by myself, but sometimes it just means I'm working on my computer on the couch next to her while she's reading a book.
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My wife has very little, if any, interest in electronics.
She has her own hobbies and interests - some of which I have no interest in.
We have an understanding that both of us need time and space to pursue our hobbies.
We have times of the week when we do our hobbies. These times are not fixed, but generally occur around the same times each week.
Being married is all about understanding and sharing.
The best thing your wife can do is get a hobby as well.
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My question to you are these: Can any of you offer advice to a young engineer trying to juggle a marriage and a lifetime passion like electronics?
Keep Juggling.
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Maybe setup a workspace for her in your lab so you can work on your projects and be together.
^^^^^^^^^^
Worst idea...EVER....
:popcorn:
My wife actually likes that.. she helps me populating boards sometimes, and does it really well...
Go figure...
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Everything is a balance, if you get home from work and head right for the lab till bed, then she has a right to be irritated.
Do you guys have any interests that you do together on a regular basis?
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Everything is a balance, if you get home from work and head right for the lab till bed, then she has a right to be irritated.
Do you guys have any interests that you do together on a regular basis?
^^^^^^^ This
My wife's an electronics engineer -- BSc-EE and MBA -- and still I have the same problems as the OP. It's not about the particular leaning of the other person, it's understanding that you have to do more that 50-50. Balancing each of your needs individually and sharing time together will bring harmony. Sometimes you'll have to sacrifice your desire to pursue your hobby in order to keep matrimonial harmony (i.e. do what SWMBO wants without quibbling). When kids come along, you'll have no time to devote to anything for 20 years.
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Sometimes (not as often as we all should like) engineers are female!
"Back in the day" a majority of the people who did complex calculations were female. That seems to say to me that women might actually have as much or more intrinsic talent in the field as men do, if given the chance.
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My wife is also an engineer, but unlike me, she leaves her interest in engineering at the office and does not do any of it at home as a hobby like I do. When at home she's interested in cooking, music, sewing, puzzles, and that sort of thing. We each have separate areas of the house for our hobbies (and separate budgets as well) where we can retreat to and work on them.
Just make sure that you spend enough time with her and that you don't get too involved with your hobby. When I was first married, I was so into my hobbies that I could be working on something in my lab and my wife would come in wearing nothing but the skimpiest see-through lingerie and I wouldn't even notice. I strongly recommend that you don't let that happen to you.
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My wife likes the outdoor stuff I do like canyoning, geocaching, obstacle event racing etc, but she's gotten all these from me and has little interest in doing them without me. She has no interest in my tech stuff even though she's a scientist.
Every time I ask to go on one of my adventures she gets upset she can't come (kids you know), it's not fair etc, so I ask her why doesn't she go off and do her own hobby things (not that I think she really has any!) and I'll mind the kids. Nope, that doesn't fly and I cop an earful for suggesting it! I actually find it pretty annoying that she doesn't want to go out and do her own stuff on her own, it's probably the biggest bug bear in the marriage because I have so many hobbies. Also doesn't help that my electronics hobby is my career as well.
I think you should either ensure you get a partner that is 100% passionately into ALL your hobbies (or at least your main ones), or has an entirely different set of hobbies and is happy to want to go do them on their own. If your partner, like mine, doesn't want to go do stuff on their own, then that can be a big problem.
So I think that's the most important thing, both having the willingness to go and do your own thing and be happy about it.
I've got married friends who have no compatible hobbies and it works pretty well when they just let each other go do their own thing.
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To the OP:
This sounds familiar. My first marriage ended in divorce after 29 years. Although I am sure that the situations are not exactly the same I shuddered when I read your post. Please find something that you both enjoy doing together, and quickly. If you don't it will get worse.
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My wife likes the outdoor stuff I do like canyoning, geocaching, obstacle event racing etc, but she's gotten all these from me and has little interest in doing them without me. She has no interest in my tech stuff even though she's a scientist.
Every time I ask to go on one of my adventures she gets upset she can't come (kids you know), it's not fair etc, so I ask her why doesn't she go off and do her own hobby things (not that I think she really has any!) and I'll mind the kids. Nope, that doesn't fly and I cop an earful for suggesting it! I actually find it pretty annoying that she doesn't want to go out and do her own stuff on her own, it's probably the biggest bug bear in the marriage because I have so many hobbies. Also doesn't help that my electronics hobby is my career as well.
I think you should either ensure you get a partner that is 100% passionately into ALL your hobbies (or at least your main ones), or has an entirely different set of hobbies and is happy to want to go do them on their own. If your partner, like mine, doesn't want to go do stuff on their own, then that can be a big problem.
So I think that's the most important thing, both having the willingness to go and do your own thing and be happy about it.
I've got married friends who have no compatible hobbies and it works pretty well when they just let each other go do their own thing.
You make it sound like they sell perfect spouses on rack. :)
Find what you liked to do together and spend time with her on that. Hobbies are great, and if you can incorporate them into your life that's more than anybody could ever ask for, but make her and yourself feel like you have sat into the match made in heaven, because when you feel like that, it becomes true.
You can try to get her interested, try to work with her, and they may work, but there was a reason you two got together in the first place, and you should focus on why you continued on from that.
An engineer's job is to solve problems. :)
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What's more important to you - your hobby or your marriage?
I only ask this so that you approach the issue from the correct perspective.
If it's only been a year, you are still finding your feet with each other, so be patient and prepared to listen more than you talk. It is true that when kids come along, priorities change - enormously. So much so that both of you may feel oppressed at times. Communication is key.
Over time, you will find yourselves fitting in with each other and time apart will be as natural as time together. Sharing hobby interests may never be a big part of your lives, but understanding the needs of the other will develop.
Once kids have faded from the scene (the 20 years mentioned above) you may find you will be encouraged to pursue your hobby.
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I should also add - that if you can find projects where both your electronics and her creativity are involved, you might satisfy both needs.
Mind you, these might also provide a battlefield for a clash of opinions.
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Draw a Venn diagram.
You in one circle and your wife in the other. Stick in your interest and your life.
There is an overlapping area, or you wouldn't be together. That's your important bit, stretching out into her circle to support her in what she likes is the enrichment part.
The circles expand and contract but the overlapping area keeps you together. My wife is a History/Geography/English teacher, we both have an interest in science and travel, over the years we have both indulged our interests for each other... e.g. visiting EE stuff on holidays or marvelous bookshops and libraries (I can't believe how few EE books there are now days in these places!), we do it together and share.
Tolerance and appreciation. :-) It's not always like that but mostly...
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I've got married friends who have no compatible hobbies and it works pretty well when they just let each other go do their own thing.
That works for my wife & me too although we do like to make city trips together.
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My partner is a singer, and nearly all of my projects are audio-related - I think that helps, somewhat...
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Marriage is like a bank account. You can't make a withdrawal (spending time on your stuff) without previously having made enough deposits (spending time together or on her stuff). The number and size of the deposits required prior to making a withdrawal depends on the person and age of the account (length of marriage).
In my experience, many large and frequent deposits are required on a new account. Once you're more established, withdrawals become easier and don't induce "the look" nor other negative outcomes. Make sure you don't cause a negative balance. There's no overdraft protection! ;)
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Trouble is mostly caused by wrong expectations. For a marriage to thrive, a husband needs to love his wife and invest in her, and a wife needs to respect his wishes.
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Thank you all for your responses, very insightful and helpful.
I agree that we should each have our own hobbies, and then we should each have each other. I think one thing that has dawned on me after reading the above is that my wife isn't currently working, doesn't really have any solid hobbies that she is committed to in any way, and I've even heard her say a few times that doing stuff for our relationship is her main hobby.
So it seems there is a big imbalance between us:
Her efforts are focused on our relationship perhaps 80% of the time and 20% on herself and other things.
Whereas 50% of my focus is on work (my actual job I mean), 10% needing to blow off steam because of work being crap, 20% on my relationship and whatever is left over for my hobbies and life ambitions.
Maybe a little overdramatic, and I am biased of course, but there is a big mismatch there, and unless I can pull 80% from somewhere to match hers, I feel like she'll be unhappy.
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Thank you all for your responses, very insightful and helpful.
I agree that we should each have our own hobbies, and then we should each have each other. I think one thing that has dawned on me after reading the above is that my wife isn't currently working, doesn't really have any solid hobbies that she is committed to in any way, and I've even heard her say a few times that doing stuff for our relationship is her main hobby.
So it seems there is a big imbalance between us:
Her efforts are focused on our relationship perhaps 80% of the time and 20% on herself and other things.
Whereas 50% of my focus is on work (my actual job I mean), 10% needing to blow off steam because of work being crap, 20% on my relationship and whatever is left over for my hobbies and life ambitions.
Maybe a little overdramatic, and I am biased of course, but there is a big mismatch there
Sounds very familiar!
I wish I could convince my wife to simply be pro-active and take time for her own interests instead of having everything involve "us".
It becomes different when you have kids, you automatically get countless "us" events due to the demands of having kids.
So in theory I think think it should be easier to split free time once kids come along. i.e. Alternate looking after the kids so you can both spend time on your own stuff as well.
But when only one wants to spend time on their own stuff it gets tricky...
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My experience is more pragmatic. Things did not work well until I showed to my wife that my hobby generates some money which she gets her share of. All of a sudden all is quiet now.
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My experience is more pragmatic. Things did not work well until I showed to my wife that my hobby generates some money which she gets her share of. All of a sudden all is quiet now.
I often have to try and fit in my "hobbies" into my work time for this very reason ;D
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When I was first married, I was so into my hobbies that I could be working on something in my lab and my wife would come in wearing nothing but the skimpiest see-through lingerie and I wouldn't even notice. I strongly recommend that you don't let that happen to you.
And if you let that happen more than once, it will never happen again.. Trust me. >:(
Seriously though, lots of sage advice in this thread.
Dave - About the kids thing - as the father of 8 and 10 year old boys I can say it does get a bit easier as they get older and more independent. Hang in there. I was shocked when my wife recently proposed sending our 2 boys off together to her Mom's (who lives 1500 miles away) for a week this summer. My jaw dropped. She never would have considered such a thing just 2 years ago.
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Dave - About the kids thing - as the father of 8 and 10 year old boys I can say it does get a bit easier as they get older and more independent. Hang in there. I was shocked when my wife recently proposed sending our 2 boys off together to her Mom's (who lives 1500 miles away) for a week this summer. My jaw dropped. She never would have considered such a thing just 2 years ago.
Don't know about that. I can't imagine her ever wanting to do anything without the kids, or me for that matter (and I'm super bloody annoying ;D )
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Get married, get kids (not necessarily in that order), get frustrated, get divorced.
Have the kids stay with you every other week, give them the attention they deserve, then pursue your hobbies the other week....
20 years down the road, kids moving out, get lonely, get frustrated.
You can't win, get used to it.
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I am about the same age as the OP (30), but only been married for about six months now. Although we have been together way longer, this is the first time we are living together for a longer period of time. My wife is a lawyer and has no hobbies of her own, but so far she has been very supportive of both of my hobbies, electronics and photography. She even once bought me a new DSLR lens for my birthday and she bought me an EasyPIC Fuision dev board as a present for my graduation. Although my daily job is as an EE, i mainly deal with PLC's and automation stuff at work, that's why electronics and embedded is just a hobby at the moment. I spent no more than 2-3 hours a day in the lab (after work), so in the evening we can do something together (watch a movie, TV show...). The only thing she objects to is the amount of budget i am spending on my hobbies, but i guess that is reasonable since we are married.
Hope this helps!
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Maybe a little overdramatic, and I am biased of course, but there is a big mismatch there, and unless I can pull 80% from somewhere to match hers, I feel like she'll be unhappy.
So work on giving her an interest in your hobby, try and find a way it gibes with her interests or find her a way she can be 'useful' to you in your hobby, show her the creative side of it, how it can be used to complement her work and interests, even if that becomes a distraction to your current projects.
Sounds patronising but it's a two way street, there has to be some common ground and it may be that you have to give a little more time to her but she also has to realise you need hobbies too, while it may be your job it is also your hobby and that needs to be understood by her as well.
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Sounds patronising but it's a two way street, there has to be some common ground and it may be that you have to give a little more time to her but she also has to realise you need hobbies too, while it may be your job it is also your hobby and that needs to be understood by her as well.
I don't see any absolute need to have common interest hobbies in a relationship/marriage, it can even be a good thing.
Hobbies don't need to be the reason you like each other.
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If they made a pick and place machine that could properly assemble my salad sandwiches then she who butters my bread would probably become obsolete. ::) :P
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My other half has no interest in engineering but she does appreciate how handy I am. It works out ok for us though because she has her sewing and craft hobbies that are of no interest to me except she can patch up anything fabric that I have and I can fix her sewing machines. We have enough common ground outside of our hobbies to make it work, and most importantly we have similar personalities and get along well. Often I'll sit and work on one of my projects on the coffee table while she works on one of hers.
I've been in other relationships that didn't work so smoothly though. Engineering, whether professional or the less formal tinkering mechanical/gearhead/electrical/ham/dyi type tends to be more of a life calling and all-encompassing thing than a career choice. Most of us are born with an innate curiosity of how the world works, a desire to take things apart and see how they work and then build other things. It's not something we tend to do 20% of our time, I mean I'm practically *always* thinking about something at least vaguely engineering related whenever I have any spare cycles. A partner who doesn't understand this and/or needs a very large amount of "together" time doing non-hobby things is going to be difficult over the long run. I'm not suggesting it isn't possible, but you may find that you are having to suppress who you are and spend far too much time doing things that are exactly what you'd prefer to be spending your limited time here on earth doing. You and your wife almost certainly view the world in fundamentally very different ways in nearly every respect.
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I am married for almost 8 years. First 2-3 years I focused on my hobbies without thinking about my wife, and it almost destroyed our marriage. After that, I started to put more effort into the marriage, and things started to calm down. But we never had common hobbies or things we like to do. We compromise. We do one thing that I like, then something that she does.
After kids (older 3 years, younger around 1 year old), we don't have any time at all (except few weekends when kids are with grandparents, and we tend to use this time for our relationship) . Started to do electronics around 2-3 years ago, and because of lack in time, haven't go too far. Only time I can spare, is the one I steal from sleep. Ether a early morning or very late night.
But after I showed the possibility of extra income to my wife, we agreed that we have to find a way to work this hobby into our daily life (we share our income).
You need to understand, marriage will force you to make sacrifices or you will sacrifice your marriage.
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To OP first thing to realize is that life is choices which have consequences.
You can not have everything.
If you are alone you can decide on your own where to spent time on.
In my single days before and as a student I could have breakfast go at 10am up to my hobbyroom to work on my project,
have some coffees and suddenly realize at 7pm that I felt a bit hungry. A quick pizza and cola and till midnight I was happy.
The flow of the hobby, *sigh*, good old times.
Then I got work and most of the energy went into the work, less time for the hobbie.
That is a choice but work brings money and security and provides to sustain the hobbie ;)
When I got a gf with child, my whole life was turned upside down.
It was great in the beginning since I wanted to have a relationship for a long time but it also takes sacrifices.
When it went stable I missed my hobbies.
I had a bit of trouble but could keep the hobbyroom (which is also not always the case looking at friends) but spent less and less time there.
Why? Because a child benefits/needs a steady rythm, you have to be back from work on time, cook, eat on the same time, the child has to go to bed on the same time etc.
After the child is to bed you might have time for yourself, but the gf also likes to have "us" time.
So you make choices and have to make the balance work for you and your gf. This means that you have to put time, energy and money into your
relationship, not only your hobbies.
What advice can I give you (knowing that each person is different so this might totally not work for you in your case):
- The time that you are together, focus and be there for her. If you do not, that time is wasted since you can not spent it on your hobbie,
but it was also not recognized by her as "us" time.
- Create events that she does not want you to be there. This is difficult and requires advanced skills :)
To give an example: when she watched her drama tv shows (you know the kind you feel sleepy and bored) make subtle distracting remarks, like yawns,
or "do they have to kiss that much in a tv show" , "does anything happen besides the drama stuff in this series", "not much action is there", that is not
very subtle but it gives an indication. Before you know it she wants you to go somewhere else or never watch that series with her again YES!!!! That is your
time! Download or make sure there are a couple of these series and you have at least 4 hours per week gained for yourself.
- Get her a hobbie. Most women do not have hobbies. This is a great pain for men that do have (lots of) hobbies.
Don't panic. Make sure she gets a hobbie, try to find out her interests and probably there is some deep far stuck away desire that she never got to.
For my gf it was that she wanted to perform acting but thought she was not good enough, too old, you know all the excuses in the world never to do anything about it.
Well I googled and called and found a group of people that give amateur acting classes and perform. It took some time for me to get her over her nerves,
attend a first class there and now she loves it and I have another evening per week for myself and two whole weekends per year that she performs, although one evening
I have to watch her ;)
- Claim: Set one fixed evening that is for you, talk to her that it is very important for yourself to be yourself to do something for yourself and most women do understand this.
I always say, you choose me for who I was, not for what you thought you could change me into. If this is not the case we should go our own ways, if it is you will give me this,
because I need this. I also sometimes like to walk for lets say an half hour through the woods on my own, no talking just being on my own.
Men need this more than Women I think, we like to be on our own in our own "mancave" to do soletary things for a concentrated time and "built" and "create" things.
Women need more social events, talk about their feelings and want to belong in a "group".
That is why you need to give her that "us" time and be there for her fully, not thinking about your next great invention or gadget.
- Surprise her: although it never is a surprise anymore , you should do things she does not expect although she has expected it for a long time. The flower or romantic dinner out in town
are very dull and not very original things to do but most woman do want them, need them and keep nagging you if you do not. My gf nags you haven;t given me flowers for a half year, I respond, I never had
any flowers from you in the 9 years I know you. That does not work :) Give her the *&^*&^ flowers now and then and do special things for her, take her to a foreign city or other nice event.
So you are young but have to make a decision that is going to influence even more from you: children or not.
Think about this very very carefully since it is one of the things in life you can never turn back or make undo.
If you do take a child then know you are going to spent very little time on your hobbie and you are a "dad" that means you now have two relationships to spent and invest time on.
Please think carefully before going to this step and be sure you want to do this, or you will ruin at least two lives.
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Kjelt: Those are good suggestions!
Overall I have lived through the same kind of issues. Today I do regret not having spent much more time with my wife and daughter in the past.
The problem is that indeed women don't seem to have hobbies like men do. I can go to my shack and literally spend hours in a glimpse. Sometimes I just go up to quickly check something and then go down again, but when I do so, my wife and daughter are already sleeping - time flies. My hobbies are widespread from computer to software, from electronics to Radio&TV broadcast and reception. I took my hobby to a level where I did start making some money with it and getting expensive gear for free. On top of that I practice Karate 4 times a week and I do have two jobs. Not easy. But doable.
Here are my suggestions:
a) Wife and kids come first. Period.
b) Explain your wife the need for having some private time and show her this private time is indeed your electronics.
c) Define tight objectives and set a time frame to do them. I.e. a given project, which should take 20 hours. Define the working hours much like if you were working. Get things done. It is too easy to WASTE time pretending it is useful hobby time: it is not.
d) Sleep less. God's gift to men is that women tend to sleep 8-9 hours, while a man can get away with 5-6 hours during short periods. This can give you up to 4 hours/day hobby time! Do this ONLY if you have a defined goal. Do not do it constantly: it is unhealthy to sleep less than 8h! Do that only for a few days and then get back to normal sleep routine. I know some may say: I ALWAYS just sleep 6h. My response: "Say hello to diabetes, coronary diseases, bad humour, etc."
e) Do your time mangement. This is really important. Do not get involved in more projects (work and hobby combined) than which fit in a regular 24h day (ideally 8h work, 8 sleep, 2h getting ready to go/come from work, 6 hour family - from which you could claim about 1/4 for hobby).
f) Spend MORE time with your wife and kids. Period. If that is a problem for you, then you don't deserve to be married and have kids.
Regards,
Vitor
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Sounds patronising but it's a two way street, there has to be some common ground and it may be that you have to give a little more time to her but she also has to realise you need hobbies too, while it may be your job it is also your hobby and that needs to be understood by her as well.
I don't see any absolute need to have common interest hobbies in a relationship/marriage, it can even be a good thing.
Hobbies don't need to be the reason you like each other.
Totally agree, if the hobbies are all you have in common then it's probably going to be a rough ride.
It is of course a balance, relationships are, in this respect and my opinion, essentially a negotiation where you both find your space to be with each other while still being yourself, being selfish to the point of exclusion, either by preventing someone pursuing a hobby or spending so much time on one that you isolate yourself is a recipe for disaster...
Shared hobbies are good, hobbies you can pursue alone are also good, it's about not being selfish.
Now, the next assault course race/mud run I do I have a firm promise of my partner attending with pom-poms and cheerleader outfit, she doesn't get why I enjoy that sort of self punishment but fully supports me when I break ribs, toes etc. on Everest to 'enjoy' myself
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Stay up later than she does. :-//
That's what I do too. I'm very used to being awake at 1am.
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Stay up later than she does. :-//
That's a really bad practice. I cannot recommend it at all.
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No wife yet but I do tell my gf to get a hobby. Ofc I spend enough time with her but I don't compromise on my hobby time. She's aware of what I'm like and in her own words "I'm not worried about other women, rather that you'll make a robo gf replacement".... can't say there weren't plans before but she's chill so that's on hold for now :D
Bottom line I made her aware of the plus and minus sides of being with me and she should decide if that's ok or not. Compromising on stuff that's too important to you will just make you unhappy which in turn will affect your relationship. Ofcourse I invest myself in our time together and try to make the most of it, also and maybe crucially I do the dishes :D
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Stay up later than she does. :-//
That's a really bad practice. I cannot recommend it at all.
You know, I came in with the thought process of simply how can one squeeze in more time for their hobbies, rather than how to balance wife and hobbies. I'm happily married 7 years, and we have our us time and our separate time, but I stay up late to squeeze out a few more hours to get my projects done when I have a wife, kid and full time job. I wouldn't recommend either if you aren't already very steady(or value the sleep more than the extra work time, obviously).
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I'm sorry but the most important advice might be X-Rated :)
Make certain to make TIME for X-Rated stuff - enough to make her happy - it is great for the relationship out of bed as well. But a happy wife in that department will look through a lot more of your idiotic behaviour that one who feels neglected in the X-Rated department.
:) nuff'said about that part
But for me - my wife is a very smart very senior director :) in a huge global well known IT/Telecom investment company - and she works long hours across east & west time-zones as her staff is all over the world. And she loves what she does. Like this week she is "all over Asia" - and then I look after our 2 little ones (4 & 2 yo)
Our secret apart from already mentioned is
1. We both had failed relationships due to inequality of minds & interests
2. We both love to know how things work - not only objects but people and the world
3. We give each-other a LOT of space -
4. We listen - even though sometimes she might not understand what I'm blabbing on about and the other way around when it comes to complex deal setups with structured finance across 7 jurisdictions. We still listen.
5. We support each-other even if we do not agree or have a difference of opinion.
6. We go to bed at about the same time most nights! After dinner and kiddy bedtime - we both might work or be in the lab - and then we meet late and spend a least 30 minutes together before bedtime. Sometimes we don't talk at that time - just read or do a sodoku - but we sit together.
7. We talk and download our days events almost every day
8. We eat together almost every day
9. We rarely watch TV and if we do we watch something together.
So we have a lot of "us" time. The Kids eat into our time and we do look forward to kids getting older (but not to fast please) - but I think we are managing exceptionally well even after being together for 12 years now.
And she never complains about my lab :) - sometime a "comment" in jest - but then I just show her a picture of new "The Signal Path" lab and say I still have far to go. :) (we do also both have a dark sarcastic sense of humour - that helps too)
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Marriage is like a bank account. You can't make a withdrawal (spending time on your stuff) without previously having made enough deposits (spending time together or on her stuff). The number and size of the deposits required prior to making a withdrawal depends on the person and age of the account (length of marriage).
In my experience, many large and frequent deposits are required on a new account. Once you're more established, withdrawals become easier and don't induce "the look" nor other negative outcomes. Make sure you don't cause a negative balance. There's no overdraft protection! ;)
Which zone has the wife faction quest NPC?
When I was first married, I was so into my hobbies that I could be working on something in my lab and my wife would come in wearing nothing but the skimpiest see-through lingerie and I wouldn't even notice. I strongly recommend that you don't let that happen to you.
Hey, I have the same calculator (http://images-cdn.9gag.com/photo/4048310_700b.jpg)! [NSFW]
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Which zone has the wife faction quest NPC?
LOL! Beware the quests you seek.
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Surely your "wife to be" (if she wasn't yet your fiancee) would have known enough about you to know what makes you tick, BEFORE committing to marrying you? It's all about balance, as has been mentioned previously; if someone marries their spouse KNOWING what the spouse enjoys doing, but adamant that they're going to make it clear that the passions they engage in (clearly a healthy one, electronics) are "distractions", I would say that was a little (or very) selfish, so long as you are not taking ALL the "us time" and spending it alone with electronics. If there is a nice balance, and she still insists it's a distraction from married life, then I'd say that's extremely selfish - maybe she has insecurities, and I would urge you both to work them out for the sake of your marriage AND sanity.
If you spend 12 hours a day working, and the rest of your waking hours engaged in electronics ALONE, I would say you may be seen as being selfish, but since no one except you and your wife and the four walls REALLY know the "behind closed doors" story, I don't think anyone at EEV Towers can counsel you effectively and fairly, beyond a certain point.
All the best for you my friend :)
Blessings.
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Josef,
KAZ911 made some very good points. I can speak from my experience - 36 years of marriage to the same woman that I met at RMIT. I am in a similar situation to you.
I married the right woman. My wife is not an engineer, but also the creative artistic type. I am an engineer, but hopelessly inartistic. I can only draw PCB tracks and schematics and that that is where my artwork ends. She draws, paints, does ceramics etc. I cannot cook at all, but my wife is a superb cook. But I do the dishes every night. Opposites attract, but we also have similar interests. We are a good team. I would hate to marry a female electronics engineer - it would be boring to be honest. And from those I have known over the years - no thanks, they are not my type.
Do not try to change your wife. Don't push any techno crap onto her. In the early years, I tried explaining how passive RLC circuits work, oscillators, transistors etc work and gave up soon after, thinking it was a lost cause. However, the technical naturally stuff rubs off somewhat. So much so, most of her working life has been in tech companies including IBM, ABB and others. She even got her ham radio license - independently without any prodding from me - and she found learning the technical stuff such as ionospheric propagation most interesting. Unlike in Australia, meeting so many ham radio wives in Texas who also had licenses inspired her to get the license here.
It is a really good idea to set yourself up in a work area with your wife. We are also setting up a large electronics room that also allows her to do here ceramics hobby in the same area. Spend plenty of time together, but give her the freedom to do as she pleases. Like KAZ911 said, give her plenty of space.
Enough said. All the best. Cheers.
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I've watched a few of my friends get married, only to end up divorced a few years later. Their wife for some reason assumed they would magically transform into a different person once they were married and that didn't happen of course. I've seen people marry in attempt to fix a broken relationship and worse, have a kid to try to fix a broken marriage and that *never* works. People need to marry a person for who they are now, not who they hope they turn into. Everyone changes as they get older but the changes are not necessarily predictable, I'm not sure why some people expect otherwise.
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We are a good team. I would hate to marry a female electronics engineer - it would be boring to be honest. And from those I have known over the years - no thanks, they are not my type.
That's actually a really good point. I have enough trouble not filling the house with "treasures" to play with or scrounge for interesting parts. If not for my other half helping to balance things out and insisting that my projects not overflow all over the house I worry that I might wind up on one of those hoarder TV shows some day.
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I've watched a few of my friends get married, only to end up divorced a few years later. Their wife for some reason assumed they would magically transform into a different person once they were married and that didn't happen of course. I've seen people marry in attempt to fix a broken relationship and worse, have a kid to try to fix a broken marriage and that *never* works.
I completely agree. Getting married doesn't change a thing except for a big hole in your wallet for the party (which I managed to avoid spending money on :phew: ). IMHO a good marriage is about doing things together you both like to do and doing everything else seperate. And be pragmatic to solve things which lead to fights! We found out neither me and my wife wash dishes so the first thing we got was a dishwasher.
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Taking notes ...
(never been married ;) )
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Yeesh, the amount of money some people spend on the party is absurd. I mean ok if you're wealthy and can afford to blow $40K on a one day party then go right ahead, and please do invite me, but for the average middle class couple that's just absurd. The wedding is *one* day, it doesn't need to be the happiest most wonderful day of your life, it's only one event kicking off what is hopefully a long string of happy events. What worse way for a young couple to start out than with several tens of thousands of dollars in debt that will stick around long after the hangover passes. The best weddings I've ever been to were simple backyard gatherings with good food, plentiful beer and a handful of good company.
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We are a good team. I would hate to marry a female electronics engineer - it would be boring to be honest. And from those I have known over the years - no thanks, they are not my type.
That's actually a really good point. I have enough trouble not filling the house with "treasures" to play with or scrounge for interesting parts. If not for my other half helping to balance things out and insisting that my projects not overflow all over the house I worry that I might wind up on one of those hoarder TV shows some day.
After sending throwing out a total of ELEVEN 7 foot x 4 foot trailer loads of electronic stuff to the rubbish dump, I vowed never to hoard again. Unless the device is rare or expensive, "If In Doubt, Chuck It Out". Of course that does not include the wife or those 600V capacitors that are hard to come by these days. Real estate costs money.
I suggest trying the Japanese 5S system with your stuff. A lot of work to get going, but a bliss to live by, especially in the electronics room. The wife will appreciate the "new you" but more to the point there is nothing worse than having to buy something from the hardware store when you know you already have it - somewhere. Another advantage is projects are done a lot quicker because looking for stuff is not an issue. And it is refreshing to enter your house or electronics room in a reset state where all registers are initialised and the instruction pointer is at 0 and the only interrupts you have to service are from your wife.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5S_(methodology) (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5S_(methodology))
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maybe im naive and inexperienced, I am only 24 years old... but shouldn't each person in the relationship have their own interest and hobbies and be able to do stuff on their own. I.e. you two shouldn't have to be able to share every free moment together. Seems dangerous to be like that. What if your partner is your ONLY friend and they suddenly die, now you're alone. You should have friends other than the partner that you share hobbies with.
Just my 2 cents.
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I think it's important to distinguish between it being simply a hobby and something else. Which is it?
I think of a hobby as being a way to pass the time when the TV is broken (that'd be nice, what a waste of bandwidth TV is!) or it's raining and you're stuck with somebody else's children, or something.
For me, engineering as a whole is a way of life. My goal in life is to understand more than I know currently, hence why I'm here on this forum, hence why I watch Dave's videos, etc. This, as opposed to building something with a rough understanding of the bingo bullshit terms suffice to get by to achieve a larger goal. What I mean by this is, say, building a low voltage cutoff circuit for something battery powered, for example, where the understanding of how the circuit works can be glossed over as long as it works when implemented. I'd consider this to be more on the "hobby" end of the scale.
If engineering (whatever the discipline) is a way of life, it can become a bit more difficult for your partner to understand what makes you tick and why it does so, if they ever get it at all. They probably won't unless they're interested themselves. In all honesty, I got extremely lucky, however it did take time for my other half to at least half understand the "what". She almost definitely doesn't understand why it makes me tick, but she knows the order of magnitude of the numbers in the equation, if that makes sense. She thankfully understands that it doesn't take a prescribed amount of hours per week, nor a pre-arranged day or days, i.e. every Tuesday. If I want to go and work on something on Wednesday night until 3AM, she's fine with it. I also understand (this was a learning curve for me) that I can't be a complete knob, take the piss and do it every day claiming that I need to do it or else I'd become a more horrible person. That's where your end of the bargain comes in.
I have found that they also need quite an admirable level of patience as you tend to fall into the trap of not holding back when people ask how something works - you can't help it, you want to tell people how it works and accurately. They're not prepared for it and just switch off, or assume that you're trying to make them feel stupid.
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If your wife is artistic type, get her in to PCB layout. I consider a nice board layout a work of art.
My wife was as non technical as they get, but she works full time in the business now and loves it. A bit of encouragement and prospects of earning way more than she did in an office was all it took. She now does all my low volume assembly work and runs the pnp machine and cnc router.
She cncing some front panels at the moment, while I sitting in the sun having beer :)