My services come with a lifetime satisfaction guarantee. However you must supply me with the correct quantity of haggis. Yum!
It's a little-known fact of inkjet printers that they have a sort of sponge to rest the heads on, and once it's full, the printer's rubbish.
All consumer printers are rubbish in one degree or another. My recent experience of a new (and heavy) HP laser that printed wobbly lines out of the box with its own test pattern sort of confirms this.
I ended up with an equally large Brother MFC-9340CDW, which is a LED printer, but also has weirdness. It is able to print straight lines, but the print driver is hilarious, apparently Brother doesn't know most people have more than one monitor.
The print dialog opens on the laptop's screen, but with the "main" (external) screen's location. So all I see is the bottom strip of the print dialog on the wrong screen, with no way to fix it. I press alt-space and move the dialog manually.
The color copier mode has very bad color accuracy (everything is skewed green), and there seems to be no calibration mode.
The printer's OS seems very sluggish on the printer's touch screen. Come on.
When printing, it sounds like there are about 15 different competing processes happening inside as the fan revs up and down and up again, and weird internal processes happen. I'd feel a bit happier if the fan turned on, the whole print process happens, then the fan turns off.
I gave away (sadly) my 20 year old HP 5L after trying and giving up to make it work with various USB->parallel adapters. So I kept a 2001 W2K machine around for it.
Lately all I could find for it were rebuilt toner cartridges. The one I ended up with had a long scratch across the imaging drum and HP wouldn't take it back since it was obviously my fault.