Author Topic: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020  (Read 21875 times)

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Offline Ed.Kloonk

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #150 on: February 11, 2020, 10:21:54 am »
Awful "modern PC virtue signalling" attitudes in that video. People should be free to make their own lifestyle choices - so long as they don't impact on others excessively (e.g. having 10 kids when you cannot afford to feed them, etc).

There is somebody for everybody and internet dating puts them within reach. Not easy, usually, but it is a process that will work eventually. Just got to get stuck in and get on with it :)

Yes, but I wonder how much of this poisons the well.

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Online peter-h

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #151 on: February 11, 2020, 09:13:29 pm »
In life, you might get a lucky break or two but mostly you make your own luck.

You just have to get on with it. It ain't gonna happen otherwise :)

For sure you will meet some strange women :) Follow the rules and use your instinct.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2020, 09:15:02 pm by peter-h »
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Offline Ed.Kloonk

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #152 on: February 16, 2020, 11:39:46 pm »
For those who missed out over Valentines day, remember, Hitler had a girlfriend.

What about one that's ready to settle down?
She's out there, gentlemen..

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Offline vtwin@cox.net

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #153 on: February 17, 2020, 01:03:53 am »
I met wife #1 in college. Was married 17 years, and then divorced 13. Had one 9 year LTR with a woman in those 13 years, but I had to break that off as I found out she had a substance abuse issue and in my line of work I can't have any of that.

I tried online dating when I first got divorced (2003 @ age 38). I can't remember all the sites... Match (obviously) and Yahoo Personals were two I can recall. I actually met a nice woman on Yahoo but after a couple of months it was clear she wanted something (eventual marriage) I was not looking for, so she broke it off. Match was an absolute nightmare. I think I had one or two dates from Match and it was clear the women were just going out for the free meal. I had a few really strange interactions with other women on Match back then. I completely avoided other sites like 'AdultFriendFinder' which was the 'Tinder' of those days.

There was another site, I can't remember offhand, where I had a couple of dates from... one turned out to be a woman who I think (but never could confirm) was married (she was incredibly secretive about herself, for example one time we went to a restaurant where she had made a reservation and when the receptionist asked the name it was under, she leaned over to whisper the name). The other woman seemed nice, until she wanted to break out the different colored candles and read my aura.

To be honest, I think back in the early days of 'online dating' the only women who were online were damaged somehow, or just really, really strange. Now its a lot more mainstream.

Fast forward to 2014 after I broke up with the LTR, I figured I would give online dating a try again. Keeping in mind, of course, I was substantially older (49) now. It didn't seem Match changed all that much, except how much they were charging. After 3 months, I dropped the Match subscription, it really didn't seem to change all that much from 2003. Had a lot of really strange interactions again this time too. For example, I was chatting with a nurse who accused me of "stalking" her when I asked if she was going to see her family in a particular town a couple of states away over the labor day weekend (she had mentioned in a previous conversation a week or so earlier she had family in that town).

By this point I was pretty turned off online dating. Eventually for s#its n giggles I created a pretty sarcastic profile on OkCupid (if its free, it's for me!) and threw up a pic I found on the internet of a biker dude with a huge beer gut and a six pack of beer tattooed on his stomach. This was in the summer of 2014 when it was dead at work, so I needed something to do, so I just starting rating profiles there.

It was actually pretty enlightening, some of the profiles... I recall one where the woman (late 20's/early 30's) was quite angry towards men yet couldn't understand why she couldn't find a "quality man". Then there seemed to be a whole series of women with various substance abuse issues -- I recall another woman who was actually quite attractive, and made it a point of noting how much pot she smoked during the week.

Then I ran across another woman's profile that was pretty interesting. She was in her early 30's and had just moved back to the US from Europe after getting divorced after a 10 year marriage, had a BA in psych and an MS in CS. However, of all the profiles I had read (and I had been 'ranking' dozens if not hundreds to kill time at work) hers was one of the best I had seen -- was actually well thought out and it was clear she was smart. I dropped her a message telling her telling her this (I was not a 'match' for her, as her criteria was male < 40, but it was still a nice profile).

She wrote back, thanking me, and asked if I were a troll, or a sarcastic prick (after she read my profile w/ the guy w/ the Dubbs beer 6-pack tattooed on his beer gut). This resulted in a month-long email exchange between the two of us (keeping in mind I was outside of her 'match' criteria, I didn't consider her dating material (or vice versa) but we would exchange dating advice with one another, her asking me to 'mansplan' things, and I asking her to explain 'hinteeze' I would get from some women I corresponded with.) The fact I worked in IT (BS in IT, MBA in Finance) gave us a lot to talk about work-wise too.

We actually did have a really good friendship online, and up to this point, had never met or spoken on the phone. One Friday night, I was working late, and she had written me an email telling me about her work week and how she just wanted to go out, have a drink and relax after a hellish week. She lived a couple towns over from where I worked, so I wrote back and said I was working late but if she wanted to, I'd take her out for a drink at 7 so we could both put a face and voice to the words on the screen.

Well, we met at the restaurant, and had an awesome time and a lot of fun. It was pretty clear from the moment we met that we had a lot of chemistry together, even with the age disparity.

Fast forward again to 2020, our 4 year wedding anniversary is in a few weeks. I'm 55 now, and she's 38, but neither of us notice the age difference... well, I do... sometimes... because occasionally something will come up which I experienced before she was born... like, I tend to forget she wasn't alive when I went to see Star Wars for the first time back in the 70's at the theatre. We have an 8 month old daughter keeping us busy too.

So, I guess "internet dating" worked for me the 2nd time around, even though I never intended it to work out the way it did.
« Last Edit: February 17, 2020, 01:07:42 am by vtwin@cox.net »
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Online peter-h

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #154 on: February 19, 2020, 05:05:47 pm »
Nice story :)

I am not surprised that "odd one out" worked out for you.
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Offline SilverSolder

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #155 on: February 19, 2020, 05:54:17 pm »
For those who missed out over Valentines day, remember, Hitler had a girlfriend.

What about one that's ready to settle down?
She's out there, gentlemen..



Hooking up with someone that has children can work well if both parties have children -  then, the burdens are more fairly distributed and there is something in it for everyone.
 

Offline james_s

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #156 on: February 19, 2020, 06:32:30 pm »
Or if you're old enough that the children are already grown and moved out. I never had any interest in being the dad of some other guy's kids, but then I never had any interest in being a dad in the first place. At one point years ago I dated a girl who had a daughter and it definitely was not my thing. Her kid was not particularly well behaved but I couldn't really say anything on the matter. Her creepy ex who was the kid's dad was naturally involved too, once someone has a kid with someone they are kinda tied together forever in one way or another and can't really make a clean break.
 

Online peter-h

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #157 on: February 19, 2020, 09:10:20 pm »
I was in a relationship many years ago with a girl who had 2 kids. It was sort of ok but really she was looking for someone to bankroll the whole thing. I got out when she started pressing hard for marriage. Telltale signs included pressure for me to sell my (really nice) house and buy one jointly with her; given the large disparity in assets, a very astute move on her part, had I gone for it.

All relationships involve a quid pro quo; both parties have to get good stuff out of it.

All also involve a "power balance" so e.g. a "doormat" woman (an english phrase) who blindly obeys her man is likely getting some other payoff e.g. she has a lot of "freedom" outside the house, and the control she has is that the man depends on her for all his food :)

That video about single mums is hilarious, but frankly if you are looking at a single mum of 25 who has 5 kids, if the alarm bells in your head aren't ringing, you need to look in the mirror :)

Couples with children invariably follow a different path in life. They mix with different people for a start. Most people, when they start a family, dump friends who don't have kids. It just happens... People with no kids have a lot more money and time spare and have a lot more adventures, travel more, meet more people, etc. They are also a lot less tired. When you have kids, the mum is usually knackered for 10-15 years, and the man is knackered because he is stuck working all the hours to pay for it. Obviously their relationship will stretch to breaking point; often past it. But kids are fun... until they get into teenagers and then they are usually hell, for a number of years.

So in my view the decision is 50/50 which way you go. You will follow two very different paths.

If you like to have time to yourself, getting together with a single mum is unlikely to work.

Yes indeed the ex is always going to be "around" but the story always has two parts. The (absent) father may be poking his head in regularly, but his ex wife has likely been poisoning the kids against him the whole time and frustratingly there is nothing he can do about it.
« Last Edit: February 19, 2020, 09:12:04 pm by peter-h »
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Offline Circlotron

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #158 on: February 19, 2020, 10:38:19 pm »
All relationships involve a quid pro quo; both parties have to get good stuff out of it.
Preferably as a consequence of both parties being prepared to put good stuff into it.
 

Offline SilverSolder

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #159 on: February 19, 2020, 11:39:28 pm »
All relationships involve a quid pro quo; both parties have to get good stuff out of it.
Preferably as a consequence of both parties being prepared to put good stuff into it.

That's the only way any relationship will ever work...
 

Online peter-h

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #160 on: February 20, 2020, 07:14:14 am »
Indeed, but I think a lot of people are just looking at the benefits to them.

The comment above about "damaged" people, especially in the early days, is very true. It's no use looking for a relationship when you are not ok by yourself. I had loads of dates back then where you could almost hear the Prozac bottles rattling in her handbag.
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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #161 on: June 02, 2021, 10:25:03 pm »
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« Last Edit: June 03, 2021, 05:04:28 am by Simon »
 

Offline SilverSolder

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #162 on: June 02, 2021, 10:53:37 pm »
Hmmm... I think that people should marry those who have the same status as them, have the same education, principles, values and financial situation.

Against that...  opposites attract?
 

Offline bdunham7

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #163 on: June 02, 2021, 10:58:20 pm »
Against that...  opposites attract?

Of course.  Irresponsible people with financial issues are attracted to those with a steady job and a nice house....liars and cheaters are attracted to the honest and faithful....and so on.  The attraction the other way is the result of some combination of deception and willful blindness.
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Offline duckduck

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #164 on: June 02, 2021, 11:20:37 pm »
I found internet dating to be a lot of work. For every 10 women that I messaged, one would reply. For every 10 women that replied, I would get one date. For every 10 first dates, I would get one second date. I met some interesting women. It was like being on a roller coaster that crashes more often than it comes back safe. Terrifying, but lots of fun, too. I stuck with it and found a wonderful woman. We've got a lovely child.
« Last Edit: June 03, 2021, 04:42:30 am by duckduck »
 
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Offline SilverSolder

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #165 on: June 03, 2021, 12:01:02 am »
I found internet dating to be a lot of work. For every 10 women that replied, I would get one date, for every 10 first dates, I would get a second date, etc. I met some interesting women. It was like being on a roller coaster that crashes more often than it comes back safe. Terrifying, but lots of fun, too. I stuck with it and found a wonderful woman. We've got a lovely child.

It's like that in the physical world too - you rarely meet the "right" person the first date...
 
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Offline Ed.Kloonk

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Offline alpher

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #167 on: June 03, 2021, 02:43:15 am »
Jeez , cant believe the ammount of BS in this thread, I've been married twice, went out with  more girls than most >:D .
You just have to use your upper brain, that's all.

 

Offline CatalinaWOW

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #168 on: June 03, 2021, 04:32:25 am »
I haven't read all the pages here, and haven't ever dated on the internet, but can't believe that it is really any different than any other way of meeting people after the first date or two.  Opens up a bigger field but all of the fakery and weirdness was there all along.

I will offer the following observations from several decades of participating and watching the process.  There isn't anything profound here, but if the simple stuff works, more is possible.

1.  Looks, intelligence, money, style and manners and any others you personally care about are all desirable attributes in both sexes.  Those who score high in all of them are universally desirable.  Those not so lucky need to be realistic in their aspirations.  Men and woman prioritize these attributes somewhat differently, but the differences aren't as big as popular wisdom would have it.  The most important thing is understanding and being willing to own your own priorities in this area.  Not fair to pick beauty over intelligence and then complain about the lack of brains.

2.  There is an old aphorism about fishing for trout in a mackerel barrel.  Lots of wisdom there.  Even if two people are well matched on looks etc., if one grew up in a farm household and the other in an urban high rise the odds of long term compatibility are much lower.  Same thing for a child of wealth and one from a modest background and many other social differences.  Thinking about this can also direct where and when you search for potential mates.

3.  Both men and women are sure they can correct the flaws in their mates.  They are seldom right.  Decide early if you can live with the flaws you identify.  This decision is tough to make objectively so put a lot of thought and attention into it.  It is a read flag when you say "This is bad, but.."  Later, when one of those flaws is annoying you, remind yourself of your decision.  It should only be changed after a lot of soul searching.
 
Listen carefully for flaws in yourself as seen by a candidate mate.  If it isn't obvious that the other person is making the same kind of decision described in the previous paragraph the only option is for you to change yourself.  If you aren't really serious about changing yourself in that area you can save a lot of pain for both of you by bailing early.

4.  It is really hard to find out what someone else is like when you are talking.  Find a way to listen.
 
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Offline james_s

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #169 on: June 03, 2021, 05:01:05 am »
Hmmm... I think that people should marry those who have the same status as them, have the same education, principles, values and financial situation.

Against that...  opposites attract?

First post, dredging up a thread that hasn't had any action in over a year, a bunch of words vaguely related to the topic without really saying anything. I'm betting their next post will be a spam link.
 
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Offline TerraHertz

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #170 on: June 03, 2021, 06:24:47 pm »
MGTOW  Men Going Their Own Way
http://everist.org/archives/links/__MGTOW_links.txt


Which is very sad, but a reality imposed by the insanely unfair marriage/divorce laws these days.
Something that affects me directly, as a fairly well off 65 yo recently widower.
Do I dare ever contemplate another relationship, with the potential for losing everything?
Logically no, because being forced to sell my property in divorce and getting half in cash value, really isn't acceptable.


Meanwhile, heart falls for someone I meet now and then in business matters. But she isn't interested.

Everything's just peachy.
Collecting old scopes, logic analyzers, and unfinished projects. http://everist.org
 

Offline SilverSolder

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #171 on: June 03, 2021, 07:32:25 pm »
MGTOW  Men Going Their Own Way
http://everist.org/archives/links/__MGTOW_links.txt


Which is very sad, but a reality imposed by the insanely unfair marriage/divorce laws these days.
Something that affects me directly, as a fairly well off 65 yo recently widower.
Do I dare ever contemplate another relationship, with the potential for losing everything?
Logically no, because being forced to sell my property in divorce and getting half in cash value, really isn't acceptable.


Meanwhile, heart falls for someone I meet now and then in business matters. But she isn't interested.

Everything's just peachy.

Just because you have a romantic relationship, doesn't mean you have to marry her?
 

Offline BU508ATopic starter

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #172 on: June 03, 2021, 08:16:32 pm »
“Chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being sought. It always defeats order, because it is better organized.”            - Terry Pratchett -
 
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Offline james_s

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #173 on: June 03, 2021, 08:17:48 pm »
MGTOW  Men Going Their Own Way
http://everist.org/archives/links/__MGTOW_links.txt


Which is very sad, but a reality imposed by the insanely unfair marriage/divorce laws these days.
Something that affects me directly, as a fairly well off 65 yo recently widower.
Do I dare ever contemplate another relationship, with the potential for losing everything?
Logically no, because being forced to sell my property in divorce and getting half in cash value, really isn't acceptable.


Meanwhile, heart falls for someone I meet now and then in business matters. But she isn't interested.

Everything's just peachy.

Just because you have a romantic relationship, doesn't mean you have to marry her?

In some places you have to watch out for common law marriage, if you live with somebody long enough you can end up effectively married from a legal standpoint.

There are prenuptial agreements though, which frankly I think anyone would be crazy to not have, given the way things are stacked these days. 
 
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Offline SilverSolder

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Re: The art of (internet) dating - year 2020
« Reply #174 on: June 03, 2021, 08:20:51 pm »


I get:

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