Weston, sorry to read about your problems. Chipageddon is real and I am not going into that at this point. You know that I have the TTi I-prober 520 in my lab, but I would have liked to see how your device compares.
However, regarding accreditation, I can only assume that you have fallen prey to the wrong consultants.
Both UL and CE should be pretty straightforward for a device like yours. CE will cost you a single fee, if at all, where UL, by its very nature, will produce recurring cost.
Without knowing the details, I see a typical pattern for anybody who has first, unprotected contact with a notified body. If you contact them and don't know the procedures, they have a tendency of selling you a premium package, which may prove a financial killer. This is not completely their fault. The "trick" is to know the procedures and standards, ask the correct questions and give the right answers.
It is a fact that an experienced guide will save you lots of time and frustration. What's even better, if your product meets certain requirements, you could even do a self declaration of CE CE declaration without involving a third party.
At any rate, should you want to have another go at this, I'd recommend that you look for a consultant. This forum is teeming with knowledgeable people. There is nothing magic about accreditation. However, it is important to have an idea about the pertinent standards (be it UL or CE) and build your design with those in mind.