How to deal with manipulative coworker

[tszaboo]

In the past 1 month at my work I have been subjected to to events turning from good to the worst, all due to a manipulative coworker, who has been at the company for about 10 months. It all started with him talking to management, that we need a structural change. Management came back with the idea, that I would be placed as head of hardware, while he would be responsible for firmware, we should come up with a plan, and discuss in a few weeks. This is when the attacks started.
- First the two of us sit down, and had calm and reasonable conversations for hours about the planning. He was non confrontational, friendly, cooperative.
- Then, they singled out a snarky comment (to management) I made against someone else and turned into a full blown deal, where I have personally attacked them, and created a toxic work environment. I've talked to the guy to whom I made the comment, apologized, and he didn't mind it in the first place.
- He recruited to his cause another firmware engineer who just introduced that he is leaving the company, and apparently named one of the reason for leaving is me.
- He told management that I was disrespecting them behind their backs. No specifics.
- After this I had to sit down with management, they are informed me about this and told me that my behavior is unacceptable, listing what I did. I felt like I was gaslighted.
- Few weeks passed, I did the benefit of the doubt that it was a one time event. Cooperated with him planning the new procedures about the engineering team.
- I had to whistle blow. Found a nonconformity with a production batch, that will cost the company reputation and a lot of money to fix. I escalated the issue internally. Recall, informing a Notified Body, investigation what happened.
- Then yesterday, he singled out a meeting from a few weeks ago. I told to the meeting attendees that some technical aspect for a new product has to be in a certain way, because we certified it that way. Recertification would be to lengthy and expensive, and we wouldn't be able to fulfill the lead time for the customer. You know just stating facts. This was presented that I'm non-cooperating, I raised my voice (I didn't) and acted threatening way (I didn't). He told the event to management right in front of me, deliberately left out that I was stating the issue due to the certification, which was a blatant lie. Management told me that it was the last straw, I cannot do teamwork.
- He told management right in front of me, that the original talks about the promotion of the two of us, I was non cooperative, non-constructive. They withdraw their proposal for promotion, now I'm reporting to my manipulative college, who is now head of engineering, effective immediately.
- I couldn't defend myself on this meeting yesterday, because apparently I'm too daft to even see what's happening. Which was more gaslighting.
- He needs to be on meeting with him and tell me when I'm difficult, because that's the only way.
- Apparently now I cannot even be trusted with phone calls to external parties, where one of my managers needs to sit in.
- And I'm on official notice probation.

I'm not prepared for the type of person, who smiles when having a talk with you, and then turns around and lies to management about the same event. I feel like a fool for not seeing this earlier. Now I have to report to him, so all he needs to do to get rid of me, is lie a few times that I'm difficult and I'm fired. I think that's his next move. I don't know how to trust any conversation with my direct boss now, because he has been using lies, omissions and blowing things out of proportions, against me.
On the other hand, there is no replacement for me at the company, and it would cost them seriously a lot of opportunity cost to let me go. That's probably the only reason I'm still there. And maybe because they know I could sue them for wrongful termination, due to the whistle blowing.

[pcprogrammer]

Sounds like a very bad situation with no escape. Don't know what your job skills are and how the current situation in the Netherlands is work wise, but I would start looking for another job.

These kind of backstabbing assholes are very hard to beat, and unless you have strong evidence of what he did or is doing, you won't be able to take him down. It is certainly a shame that these kind of things happen.

Hope you find a way out of it.

[HighVoltage]

I think the only way for you to get ahead is to let it go and find a new place where your skills are appreciated.

Every serious company in Europe is looking for skillful people right now, on all levels. It should be easy for you to find a new job.

[Fraser]

I am so sorry to read the OP’s story. The new person appears to be a sociopath and I do not use that term lightly.

I see two options for the OP….

1. Write a formal letter to senior management at the company that details the facts of the situation from your perspective and keep it very neutral to avoid accusations of ‘retaliatory behaviour’. Detail how your job has been changed and it’s effect on production. State clearly that you believe you are being victimised in an effort to either remove you from the company or the other party has a hidden agenda not yet revealed. State clearly that this situation is both unfair to you and will inevitably lead to your departure from the company after X years of trouble free service to your employer. Remember, write such a letter in a cool and concise manner devoid of emotional wording. If that letters contents are not taken seriously, at least it is a formal record that may be presented if you end up at a tribunal. Do NOT be drawn into verbal meetings that are not fully minuted for the official record ! People love to manipulate in a manner where no formal record of events are kept.

2. Leave the company and find a company more deserving of your skills. However this is not an easy option so I would exhaust the available defence avenues within your current company. There is the serious issue of a potential new employer contacting your current employer and hearing an unfair and inaccurate description of your performance and personality.

I think it is time to get the big guns out and request a formal investigation by a member of senior management into what is happening in the company within your area. If the offending party is a Sociopath with an agenda, you will not be able to defend yourself against them and your personal well-being will be harmed.

You may wish to contact an independent employment advisor to gain the exact information needed to progress this matter in a way that cannot be brushed off or that makes matters worse for you. Also, remember, if possible, do not leave one job without actually having another confirmed ! It is a stronger position when looking for a new job.

Take care and get the good advice that you clearly need from a professional as many of us on this forum have our own views and ways of dealing with such a situation, but such advice does not necessarily provide you with the best action plan. Bullying in the workplace is taken very seriously these days, if your Nemisis is a Sociopathic Bully, they will be clever and require careful handling !

All the Best

Fraser

[jpanhalt]

That's not really a question if you are "on official notice."

1) Be sure the non-compliance is documented and try to keep copies of that at home (if it's not too late).  NDA's can be threatened but cannot be used to cover up serious misdeeds that may present a public danger or are illegal.  More likely, if that non-compliance does cause a problem, you will be blamed for it.  Documents from the company are great, but your own contemporaneous notes can also have weight.

2) Finding another position is probably the only way out.

3) Official notice may mean you are terminated at some future date (e.g., end of current project) or on some sort of probation.  Generally, companies are more concerned about employee sabotage than losing a few weeks salary, so a 2-week notice may mean leave right now and get two weeks of salary.  If it is probation, it may be worthwhile meeting with senior management and negotiating severance.  Companies have a strong interest in avoiding wrongful discharge lawsuits in the US.  Common severance is one month's current salary per year of employment up to some max. 

4) It may be helpful to have an agreed upon recommendation by the company written before you leave.  Every future employer should know that letter doesn't give the whole story, but having it may help prevent later retaliation.

5) When you leave, don't make a mess or a scene.  Just give notice (if required) and leave.  If notice isn't required, resign as soon as practical from your perspective.  Aside from the notes mentioned in #1, do not do anything that smells of undermining the company. 

[tszaboo]

I think it is time to get the big guns out and request a formal investigation by a member of senior management into what is happening in the company within your area. If the offending party is a Sociopath with an agenda, you will not be able to defend yourself against them and your personal well-being will be harmed.

Thanks Fraser. Not really an option, I work in a smaller company. When I talked about management, I had my immediate report and the CEO talking to me. "We would like to keep you, but..."

Sounds like a very bad situation with no escape. Don't know what your job skills are and how the current situation in the Netherlands is work wise, but I would start looking for another job.

Deep down, I was aware that it's a toxic management company. I kinda got used to it over the years. I had 6 manager in the past 5 years, they were coming and going. Each one with different requirements on Project management tools, one wanted constant booking of hours, the other was the CEO himself, who was managing us without being in the office for a full day in a week, and not responding to emails.

That's not really a question if you are "on official notice."

On the notice, meaning that if they see the continuation of this imaginary pattern of behavior then they can fire me.
I keep track of the events. They cannot make me the scapegoat legally, since someone else is the EX responsible person in the company. Doesn't mean they would not just shoot the messenger. Or because I have the technical expertise. I looked up, there are new laws from 2016 protecting whistleblowers, they are very much on the employees side. But then I would be just stuck in a job in a small company where they don't like me.

I think the only way for you to get ahead is to let it go and find a new place where your skills are appreciated.

Every serious company in Europe is looking for skillful people right now, on all levels. It should be easy for you to find a new job.

It's hurting because the job is walking distance from home, the expertise I gained over the year is very specialized and the compensation is quite good.

[golden_labels]

If you can’t be an asshole yourself — and I do not recommend that if you have no prior experience — IMO you have little chances against such people.

The things you can do:

• If you have a family, do not neglect that part of your life. Consider caring even more than usual and be open about what is going on. The situation is not only very bad for your mental health, but you are being trapped in a perception that will make it hard to deal with the problem. Talk with friends and spend time with them. I can’t find words to tell how important that part is.
• Document your own work in every detail. If you can have witnesses you did your work right, have them. That is to secure your own ass.
• Make collegues value you as much as possible. It really looks different: 1 bad opinion vs nothing, and 1 bad opinion vs 20 good opinions.
• If there is such an option, ask management for advice in this case. I emphasize: advice. Do not point to a specific person, do not accuse them, use tone that does not blatantly suggest this is an ongoing situation, but make sure you put a part of responsibility on someone above both of you by asking what is company’s policy in this case.

[tggzzz]

It's hurting because the job is walking distance from home, the expertise I gained over the year is very specialized and the compensation is quite good.

That's the devil's bargain you make in small companies where you become an expert in a narrow field. The alternative, being a jack of all trades, has different tradeoffs.

You have my sympathy, which is worth precisely what you paid for it

Many good points in this thread, and no insane points.

From a distance it sounds like you have to armour-plate your back while finding an escape route. Document everything in writing, including emails stating "this is my notes on the conversation we've just had; please let me know if I have misunderstood something". Keep an independent record of those emails, including headers making it difficult for people to deny their existence.

At some point it may be necessary to "point a gun" at somebody's head, but you must be able and willing to pull the trigger. Even if you don't pull the trigger, the atmosphere will be poisionous afterwards.

It is a small world, and you can be badmouthed behind your back to other companies without being able to do anything about it, and maybe not realising it is happening. Only courses of action are to get out before things reach that stage, or to use the courts.

Good luck; while change can be uncomfortable, often there are some benefits. "Every black cloud has a silver lining", and all that.

[wn1fju]

In all jobs, you are going to find people that are smarter than you and people that are dumber than you, people that are nicer than you and people that are nastier than you.  That's what makes the world go around.  But sometimes, a graceful exit is really the best option.

In my (last) job, we recently got a new boss.  One day he called me into his office to chastise me for some trivial thing I did wrong.  In the process,
he blurted out that I "had a reputation for being unprofessional," and then he accused me of sexually harassing a female co-worker.

I was close to retirement age and was planning to work for about one more year, but the next day I handed in my retirement/resignation notice.  There was no reason to remain in what was surely going to be a toxic work environment for me.  My only regret is that I didn't file a complaint or pursue legal action against the new boss.

[Fraser]

So you have been at this company only a year ?

Run, do not walk, RUN to the exit door ! Such a poorly managed company will eventually destroy your health and happiness. With only a year invested in the company you really should look for a better employer. I am 55 and spent all my working life with one employer who was fair to its staff and offered good support when needed. Do not spend another year of your life with a company that does not deserve you. Start working on an exit strategy. If a potential employer asks why you are leaving your current employer you can be quite honest and say that your current employer did not deal with a bullying situation so you now want to join a better employer ! No shame in admitting you were effectively bullied and most employers respect those who actively pursue a better job rather than tolerate bullying.

Fraser

[tszaboo]

So you have been at this company only a year ?

Run, do not walk, RUN to the exit door ! Such a poorly managed company will eventually destroy your health and happiness. With only a year invested in the company you really should look for a better employer. I am 55 and spent all my working life with one employer who was fair to its staff and offered good support when needed. Do not spend another year of your life with a company that does not deserve you. Start working on an exit strategy. If a potential employer asks why you are leaving your current employer you can be quite honest and say that your current employer did not deal with a bullying situation so you now want to join a better employer ! No shame in admitting you were effectively bullied and most employers respect those who actively pursue a better job than tolerate bullying.

Fraser

Five years, give or take. It was very high turnaround in the engineering team in the meanwhile.

[jpanhalt]

That's not really a question if you are "on official notice."

On the notice, meaning that if they see the continuation of this imaginary pattern of behavior then they can fire me.
I keep track of the events. They cannot make me the scapegoat legally, since someone else is the EX responsible person in the company. Doesn't mean they would not just shoot the messenger. Or because I have the technical expertise. I looked up, there are new laws from 2016 protecting whistleblowers, they are very much on the employees side. But then I would be just stuck in a job in a small company where they don't like me.

[/quote]

That situation equates to "probation."  Regardless of how long you stay, you have been overlooked for promotion and that will haunt you.   You are on your way out.  The best you can do is try to negotiate a smooth exit and minimize animosity.  In the US, whistle blowing is highly technical.  It can be difficult to prove.  That option would not be very high on my list.  If that is what you're left with, be sure to consult with someone knowledgeable about what's required. 

[Fraser]

tszaboo,

Ask yourself one very important question…… can you see yourself being happy in the current company in the foreseeable future ? If not, that job will damage your long term health. Your priority should be to protect yourself from a toxic work environment and if that means moving to a new employer who will value you, then that is the way forward. Do not make excuses to yourself that you will weather the storm, or things might get better. They already sound irrecoverable to me. That co-worker got what they wanted and will make your life a living hell. Sociopaths are a nightmare to work with.

Your challenge now is to negotiate your departure such that your present employer holds no grudge and provides a good reference in return for your making it easy for them to part ways with you. Their loss and they will likely regret taking on a sociopath like your colleague as he will, no doubt, wreak havoc throughout the small company over the coming months.

It sounds harsh but it is time to pull up your big boys trousers and plan your exit rather than ask a forum to help deal with a situation that only you truly understand and have the power to change in your favour.

Fraser

[Squarewave]

That sounds incredibly stressful. Hope it's all sorted out!

[Fraser]

This article may be worth a read as you may recognise the detailed behaviour in your colleague……..

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/sociopath

Fraser

[tszaboo]

This article may be worth a read as you may recognise the detailed behaviour in your colleague……..

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/sociopath

Fraser

I read quite a lot about the dark triad, after encountering a narcissist at work.
That was equally destructive, and people either left or they refused to work with him.
Also had colleague with Bipolar (told me). Honestly, I find it important to be prepared to people with mental illnesses, they can wreak havoc in your life.

On the other hand, I don't consider myself qualified to diagnose people with the DSM5. I don't think that my brand new boss qualifies as one TBH. Probably just super competitive. I was checking his Linkedin though, doesn't seem to stay at the same company for two years, usually less than 1, might be a red flag.

[HuronKing]

On the other hand, there is no replacement for me at the company, and it would cost them seriously a lot of opportunity cost to let me go. That's probably the only reason I'm still there. And maybe because they know I could sue them for wrongful termination, due to the whistle blowing.

This sounds like their problem - not yours.

I personally wouldn't bank anything on a whistle blowing allegation. Your mental health is crucial as well as working in an environment where you can trust and are trusted by your colleagues. I worked at an engineering firm for 3 months and ran away when they threatened early termination during my probation period because I suggested actually reporting to the president all these problems everyone around me was constantly bitching about never getting fixed... but not ever reporting it to the president.

I then went back to my old job at my old company for the same salary (lower than what I got at the new firm) but within a few weeks I was promoted and got a industry rate compensation adjustment... in fact all the things I had asked for to stay. And things are now really great here again.

I found out a year later that nearly all the managers at the company had been fired or quit, most of the engineering staff too, and my position which was newly created would've been prematurely terminated before the end of the probation period to be subsumed into another department. I didn't dodge a bullet - I dodged a howitzer shell...

The lesson I learned is never be afraid to quit when your gut is telling you to do that. This is a new age of corporate satisfaction and these old toxic ways of doing business just won't cut it anymore. Power to the workers! 

[tggzzz]

...
I then went back to my old job at my old company for the same salary (lower than what I got at the new firm) but within a few weeks I was promoted and got a industry rate compensation adjustment... in fact all the things I had asked for to stay. And things are now really great here again.
...

That's unusual. "Going back" is usually a mistake. because all that happens is everybody remembers why you left.

[capt bullshot]

I think the only way for you to get ahead is to let it go and find a new place where your skills are appreciated.

Every serious company in Europe is looking for skillful people right now, on all levels. It should be easy for you to find a new job.

Beware, most job ads lie about the real requirements.

I left my former job, motivated by the chance to leave the "bore-out" situation I was caught in. New job was advertised with required skills that I could easily provide, a good match to my experience, and some interesting new projects involving (for them) new technology. Job interview was promising for both sides.

In reality you're expected to have perfect skills to operate SAP and other "enterprise tools" (which I don't have at all, and no one tells you more than maybe twice how to do that - then they'll get annoyed, no training for the essential stuff at all, but a lot of "shiny" onboarding, mandatory trainings that totally miss your point, ...). I ran into a situation that ended up with some person slamming on me during a regular meeting - because no one could be bothered to tell me how to do certain things the right way before I did this particular mistake. This event threatened my job there, took me a lot of effort and pain to manoeuvre out again. While I'm there, quite a few people left that company. In my department, one can feel discontentedness all over the place, IMO caused by management decisions.

Your situation looks even worse, so IMO it would be the best choice to leave. But don't expect too much from your next job. The corporate world has turned into a bureaucratic shit show.

[HuronKing]

...
I then went back to my old job at my old company for the same salary (lower than what I got at the new firm) but within a few weeks I was promoted and got a industry rate compensation adjustment... in fact all the things I had asked for to stay. And things are now really great here again.
...

That's unusual. "Going back" is usually a mistake. because all that happens is everybody remembers why you left.

I left because I was furloughed with no known return-to-work date because of the pandemic. I tried to negotiate for promises for the future to stay on-staff and wait out the pandemic but the difference in compensation between my old job and the new (toxic I was to discover) job was too great to pass up.

I honestly loved my old job and I'm glad to be back doing it at a higher title and with more responsibility. I didn't want to leave and none of the people I worked for wanted me to leave either. So yes, my story is unusual. But, coming back to my personal life lesson, I had to follow my gut to leave my old job (I was concerned about falling behind in my career development the longer I was on furlough and the fact my compensation was not commensurate to industry rates) and I also followed my gut to quit the toxic job and go back to my old job.

It worked out for me because corporate HR everywhere has structured itself to punish company loyalty and incentivize jumping ships - even if you like where you work. Even my coworkers told me throughout my mentorship period that the way to get ahead at my job was to work for a few years, leave and come back. But, I never wanted to do that because I never knew when the 'right time' would be to do what I felt was a very cynical mercenary maneuver.

Life circumstances kinda compelled it to happen this particular way and for me it worked out.

I say we evolved survival instincts and bullshit detectors for a reason - to sense danger and toxicity and to flee to more fertile plains. You might even return to the original plains when the toxic period is over. 

[nctnico]

On the other hand, there is no replacement for me at the company, and it would cost them seriously a lot of opportunity cost to let me go. That's probably the only reason I'm still there. And maybe because they know I could sue them for wrongful termination, due to the whistle blowing.

This sounds like their problem - not yours.

The lesson I learned is never be afraid to quit when your gut is telling you to do that. This is a new age of corporate satisfaction and these old toxic ways of doing business just won't cut it anymore. Power to the workers! 

I agree.  @tszaboo: Hand in your resignation letter tomorrow stating that you don't want to work with or for someone who is making you look bad. Hence you'll be leaving. See how that plays out.

Personally I would not even bother staying at such a company. Too much hassle with office politics and by what you write it looks like there will be no end to it anyway

[fourfathom]

Quit nicely, but quit.  Give reasonable notice if you like, but putting you on probation cancels any obligation you feel to the company.  In the USA most companies will not give a negative reference (due to legal risk), but may implicitly damn you with faint praise.  You can't do much about that, except be honest and try not to emphasize all the psychological pathology -- doing so makes you look like it was actually your fault.  Demonstrate a positive attitude.  Even if you've specialized, that is built on a broad foundation and you can use this to demonstrate skill, smarts, and attitude.

And be honest with yourself.  Are you 100% sure you didn't contribute to this problem?  I will assume you didn't, but if there's room for improvement then do work on it.  None of us like to feel less than perfect, but we are all human.

[tszaboo]

And be honest with yourself.  Are you 100% sure you didn't contribute to this problem?  I will assume you didn't, but if there's room for improvement then do work on it.  None of us like to feel less than perfect, but we are all human.

I have a somewhat assertive personality, who also doesn't shy away from confrontation. I'm also not a people pleaser, but "get the job done" guy. Which of course you can spin around, and say that it's impossible to have teamwork with me, and I'm intimidating people to do what I want. So 100% sure? No, probably on some level some people dislike me because of this. It's also not the Dutch way.

I agree.  @tszaboo: Hand in your resignation letter tomorrow stating that you don't want to work with or for someone who is making you look bad. Hence you'll be leaving. See how that plays out.

Personally I would not even bother staying at such a company. Too much hassle with office politics and by what you write it looks like there will be no end to it anyway

I don't want to do that without plan B. I don't think that would achieve anything, because I saw that it didn't in the past. We don't have a dedicated HR person who would be able to do anything about this as well.

[HuronKing]

My great-grandfather used to say:
"It's easier to find a job when you have a job."

Find that other job first but find it now. 

[james_s]

Gaslighting and manipulation are some of the classic symptoms of a personality disorder such as NPD. These people never change, although sooner or later others usually start to notice their behavioral patterns. Document everything, keep notes and screenshots of any chat or email messages, bring up the issue with your manager and generally try to avoid interacting with the person as much as possible. If it gets bad enough it may be easiest to just find another job.