Thought I would share my fix (and vent) in case anyone else sees a similar problem.
So I bought my fist Fluke off eBay. A "good condition working" 87V for $190USD. It arrived today, much dirtier than the pictures showed, screen scratched up...NEVER trust low-res pictures or a sellers ability to determine condition. I should have known better.
I found that when in the ohms function the screen continuously switched between K and M range (probes not even connected). If I pressed down on the selector, the behavior went away and it remained in the mega ohms range. I suspected wiper contamination since the outside was so grimy. Instead, this is what I found (attached, sorry for the overly bright flash...). The wipers were very clean, but obviously had been bent somehow. Some of the plastic alignment features on the inside of the case were also crushed, and the insulation of the battery lead was damaged due to being crushed... OBVIOUSLY, if it doesn't fit, make it fit, right? Anyways, I tweaked the wiper to where it should be, cleaned it up, and it now works as it should. I assume that careless curiosity is the cause of the bent wiper. Thankfully Fluke designed the meter with very few screws and only two sizes.
Edit: Anyone know the brand/series of the battery lead pcb header? Molex or JST?