Engineer plus non engineer wife

[jmdejoanelli]

Hi all,

I realise this might be an odd question for an electronics forum, but all the people who may be able to comment are likely here.

I am 29 years old, and have been married a year now, and have been working as an electronics/firmware engineer for the past 5 years after finishing uni. I have been doing electronics, tinkering and taking things apart since I was about 7 years old; electronics engineering is my strongest passion and I feel like it is so deeply ingrained in my being that it is not going to change, which isn't a problem for me, because I love it obviously.

My wife is a creative type, and I love her dearly, but she has absolutely no interest in my passions and sees them as a distraction from our marriage. I try to sell it to her in a way that says following these hobbies is a way for me to advance further in my career, and hence be in a better position to support my family when we have kids.

My question to you are these: Can any of you offer advice to a young engineer trying to juggle a marriage and a lifetime passion like electronics? How much time do you spend on your hobbies or in the workshop away from your wife every week?

Any other comments, anecdotes or testimony are welcome on the subject.

Thanks,
Josef

[nctnico]

Maybe setup a workspace for her in your lab so you can work on your projects and be together.

[Skimask]

Maybe setup a workspace for her in your lab so you can work on your projects and be together.

^^^^^^^^^^
Worst idea...EVER....

 

[timothyaag]

Stay up later than she does. 

That's how I get anything done if she's not working and it's not a rare "me day".

[JPortici]

My wife is a creative type

and you have problems? you spend all your time creating things with your mind too! you're not a bean counter or whatever.. you are
developing ideas and concepts into products, bringing them into reality. you should be absolutely in sync!
Assuming you intend creative type as artist/architect/whatever

[suicidaleggroll]

My wife is a creative type, and I love her dearly, but she has absolutely no interest in my passions and sees them as a distraction from our marriage. I try to sell it to her in a way that says following these hobbies is a way for me to advance further in my career, and hence be in a better position to support my family when we have kids.

Your wife doesn't need to be interested in your hobby to appreciate that you enjoy it.  Doesn't she have any hobbies?  Yoga?  Gardening?  Painting?  Kick-boxing?  Just explain that this is your hobby and you need it to stay sane.

I work on my stuff when my wife is not at home, asleep, or whenever she's doing her own thing.  Sometimes that means I'm in the lab by myself, but sometimes it just means I'm working on my computer on the couch next to her while she's reading a book.

[Mr.B]

My wife has very little, if any, interest in electronics.
She has her own hobbies and interests - some of which I have no interest in.
We have an understanding that both of us need time and space to pursue our hobbies.
We have times of the week when we do our hobbies. These times are not fixed, but generally occur around the same times each week.

Being married is all about understanding and sharing.
The best thing your wife can do is get a hobby as well.

[HackedFridgeMagnet]

My question to you are these: Can any of you offer advice to a young engineer trying to juggle a marriage and a lifetime passion like electronics?

Keep Juggling.

[2N3055]

Maybe setup a workspace for her in your lab so you can work on your projects and be together.

^^^^^^^^^^
Worst idea...EVER....

 

My wife actually likes that.. she helps me populating boards sometimes, and does it really well...
Go figure...

[dr.diesel]

Everything is a balance, if you get home from work and head right for the lab till bed, then she has a right to be irritated.

Do you guys have any interests that you do together on a regular basis?

[rbm]

Everything is a balance, if you get home from work and head right for the lab till bed, then she has a right to be irritated.

Do you guys have any interests that you do together on a regular basis?

^^^^^^^ This

My wife's an electronics engineer -- BSc-EE and MBA -- and still I have the same problems as the OP.  It's not about the particular leaning of the other person, it's understanding that you have to do more that 50-50.  Balancing each of your needs individually and sharing time together will bring harmony.  Sometimes you'll have to sacrifice your desire to pursue your hobby in order to keep matrimonial harmony (i.e. do what SWMBO wants without quibbling).  When kids come along, you'll have no time to devote to anything for 20 years.

[cdev]

Sometimes (not as often as we all should like) engineers are female!

"Back in the day" a majority of the people who did complex calculations were female. That seems to say to me that women might actually have as much or more intrinsic talent in the field as men do, if given the chance.

[Sal Ammoniac]

My wife is also an engineer, but unlike me, she leaves her interest in engineering at the office and does not do any of it at home as a hobby like I do. When at home she's interested in cooking, music, sewing, puzzles, and that sort of thing. We each have separate areas of the house for our hobbies (and separate budgets as well) where we can retreat to and work on them.

Just make sure that you spend enough time with her and that you don't get too involved with your hobby. When I was first married, I was so into my hobbies that I could be working on something in my lab and my wife would come in wearing nothing but the skimpiest see-through lingerie and I wouldn't even notice. I strongly recommend that you don't let that happen to you.

[EEVblog]

My wife likes the outdoor stuff I do like canyoning, geocaching, obstacle event racing etc, but she's gotten all these from me and has little interest in doing them without me. She has no interest in my tech stuff even though she's a scientist.
Every time I ask to go on one of my adventures she gets upset she can't come (kids you know), it's not fair etc, so I ask her why doesn't she go off and do her own hobby things (not that I think she really has any!) and I'll mind the kids. Nope, that doesn't fly and I cop an earful for suggesting it! I actually find it pretty annoying that she doesn't want to go out and do her own stuff on her own, it's probably the biggest bug bear in the marriage because I have so many hobbies. Also doesn't help that my electronics hobby is my career as well.

I think you should either ensure you get a partner that is 100% passionately into ALL your hobbies (or at least your main ones), or has an entirely different set of hobbies and is happy to want to go do them on their own. If your partner, like mine, doesn't want to go do stuff on their own, then that can be a big problem.
So I think that's the most important thing, both having the willingness to go and do your own thing and be happy about it.

I've got married friends who have no compatible hobbies and it works pretty well when they just let each other go do their own thing.

[Lightages]

To the OP:

This sounds familiar. My first marriage ended in divorce after 29 years. Although I am sure that the situations are not exactly the same I shuddered when I read your post. Please find something that you both enjoy doing together, and quickly. If you don't it will get worse.

[Ampera]

My wife likes the outdoor stuff I do like canyoning, geocaching, obstacle event racing etc, but she's gotten all these from me and has little interest in doing them without me. She has no interest in my tech stuff even though she's a scientist.
Every time I ask to go on one of my adventures she gets upset she can't come (kids you know), it's not fair etc, so I ask her why doesn't she go off and do her own hobby things (not that I think she really has any!) and I'll mind the kids. Nope, that doesn't fly and I cop an earful for suggesting it! I actually find it pretty annoying that she doesn't want to go out and do her own stuff on her own, it's probably the biggest bug bear in the marriage because I have so many hobbies. Also doesn't help that my electronics hobby is my career as well.

I think you should either ensure you get a partner that is 100% passionately into ALL your hobbies (or at least your main ones), or has an entirely different set of hobbies and is happy to want to go do them on their own. If your partner, like mine, doesn't want to go do stuff on their own, then that can be a big problem.
So I think that's the most important thing, both having the willingness to go and do your own thing and be happy about it.

I've got married friends who have no compatible hobbies and it works pretty well when they just let each other go do their own thing.

You make it sound like they sell perfect spouses on rack. 

Find what you liked to do together and spend time with her on that. Hobbies are great, and if you can incorporate them into your life that's more than anybody could ever ask for, but make her and yourself feel like you have sat into the match made in heaven, because when you feel like that, it becomes true.

You can try to get her interested, try to work with her, and they may work, but there was a reason you two got together in the first place, and you should focus on why you continued on from that.

An engineer's job is to solve problems. 

[Brumby]

What's more important to you - your hobby or your marriage?

I only ask this so that you approach the issue from the correct perspective.

If it's only been a year, you are still finding your feet with each other, so be patient and prepared to listen more than you talk.  It is true that when kids come along, priorities change - enormously.  So much so that both of you may feel oppressed at times.  Communication is key.

Over time, you will find yourselves fitting in with each other and time apart will be as natural as time together.  Sharing hobby interests may never be a big part of your lives, but understanding the needs of the other will develop.

Once kids have faded from the scene (the 20 years mentioned above) you may find you will be encouraged to pursue your hobby.

[Brumby]

I should also add - that if you can find projects where both your electronics and her creativity are involved, you might satisfy both needs.

Mind you, these might also provide a battlefield for a clash of opinions.

[aargee]

Draw a Venn diagram.

You in one circle and your wife in the other. Stick in your interest and your life.

There is an overlapping area, or you wouldn't be together. That's your important bit, stretching out into her circle to support her in what she likes is the enrichment part.

The circles expand and contract but the overlapping area keeps you together. My wife is a History/Geography/English teacher, we both have an interest in science and travel, over the years we have both indulged our interests for each other... e.g. visiting EE stuff on holidays or marvelous bookshops and libraries (I can't believe how few EE books there are now days in these places!), we do it together and share.

Tolerance and appreciation. :-) It's not always like that but mostly...

[nctnico]

I've got married friends who have no compatible hobbies and it works pretty well when they just let each other go do their own thing.

That works for my wife & me too although we do like to make city trips together.

[Keicar]

My partner is a singer, and nearly all of my projects are audio-related - I think that helps, somewhat...

[bitseeker]

Marriage is like a bank account. You can't make a withdrawal (spending time on your stuff) without previously having made enough deposits (spending time together or on her stuff). The number and size of the deposits required prior to making a withdrawal depends on the person and age of the account (length of marriage).

In my experience, many large and frequent deposits are required on a new account. Once you're more established, withdrawals become easier and don't induce "the look" nor other negative outcomes. Make sure you don't cause a negative balance. There's no overdraft protection!

[alank2]

Trouble is mostly caused by wrong expectations.  For a marriage to thrive, a husband needs to love his wife and invest in her, and a wife needs to respect his wishes.

[jmdejoanelli]

Thank you all for your responses, very insightful and helpful.

I agree that we should each have our own hobbies, and then we should each have each other. I think one thing that has dawned on me after reading the above is that my wife isn't currently working, doesn't really have any solid hobbies that she is committed to in any way, and I've even heard her say a few times that doing stuff for our relationship is her main hobby.

So it seems there is a big imbalance between us:
Her efforts are focused on our relationship perhaps 80% of the time and 20% on herself and other things.
Whereas 50% of my focus is on work (my actual job I mean), 10% needing to blow off steam because of work being crap, 20% on my relationship and whatever is left over for my hobbies and life ambitions.

Maybe a little overdramatic, and I am biased of course, but there is a big mismatch there, and unless I can pull 80% from somewhere to match hers, I feel like she'll be unhappy.

[EEVblog]

Thank you all for your responses, very insightful and helpful.

I agree that we should each have our own hobbies, and then we should each have each other. I think one thing that has dawned on me after reading the above is that my wife isn't currently working, doesn't really have any solid hobbies that she is committed to in any way, and I've even heard her say a few times that doing stuff for our relationship is her main hobby.

So it seems there is a big imbalance between us:
Her efforts are focused on our relationship perhaps 80% of the time and 20% on herself and other things.
Whereas 50% of my focus is on work (my actual job I mean), 10% needing to blow off steam because of work being crap, 20% on my relationship and whatever is left over for my hobbies and life ambitions.

Maybe a little overdramatic, and I am biased of course, but there is a big mismatch there

Sounds very familiar!
I wish I could convince my wife to simply be pro-active and take time for her own interests instead of having everything involve "us".
It becomes different when you have kids, you automatically get countless "us" events due to the demands of having kids.
So in theory I think think it should be easier to split free time once kids come along. i.e. Alternate looking after the kids so you can both spend time on your own stuff as well.
But when only one wants to spend time on their own stuff it gets tricky...