@Renate
Yes, wanted to reduce the current load. Also having a constantly active relay is never a good idea especially for longer periods of time.
@ledtester
Now that's a thought. Why it never dawned on me I'll chalk up to old age.
I could add a delay and relay check to the power up sequence but I would have to add a transistor to another output pin to prevent the 12v on condition downstream before the relay is checked and set.
And that gets messy. If you have a way of blocking the 12V feed until after you've set the relay, then you don't need the relay.
If you are going to set the relay at power-on then no matter how quickly you do it, there will be a 12V pulse fed down the line until the relay has been set, whether that is done in software or by some kind of pulse generated by a capacitor.
@Renate has given you the obvious answer: don't use a latching relay. Use a pair of ordinary relays. That way both current paths will be open circuit until one relay or the other is operated under the control of the microcontroller. From an engineering point of view, that is the correct solution.
You are quite wrong to say "a constantly active relay is never a good idea especially for longer periods of time". This is absolute nonsense. Relays are designed to be held "active" indefinitely, and there are numerous applications where a relay may be held in the operated position for hours, days, months. You say you want to reduce the current load arising from having the relay coil permanently energised. Why? Is current in short supply? Are you running this kit off a battery? No, you aren't. In any case you can get solid state relays where the energising current is minute. Your objections are misplaced - it is a complete non-issue.
If you don't want to re-engineer the relays, then you need to use the "last gasp" method described by
@Benta. Basically, set the relay on power-down, not on power-up.
You have your answer:
@Renate's solution, to replace the latching relay with two normal relays; or
@Benta's solution, to set the relay on power-down using a capacitor for sustenance and an interrupt triggered by the power line dropping.